With the help of the Sandy Hook families, The Onion has reached a long-awaited deal to take over InfoWars.
We've enlisted the help of @timheidecker.bsky.social, who will be InfoWars' Creative Director.
Please stand by for more.
Everything about our Iran War being conducted by a party that can only lie, complain and punish feels like an overly elaborate exploration of @veryimportant.lawyer's theory that Everyone Is 12 Now.
“Go home and sleep in your racecar”
The difference between Palantir and the techno madman in a Bond movie is the average Bond villain is less insufferable.
Palantir. The company that’s turning America into a domestic surveillance panopticon. power to the peephole™️
🎶 You’re so vain. You probably think this psalm is about you
The head of the FBI isn't supposed to be getting blackout drunk. He's supposed to be cross-dressing
Archaeologists in the Holy Land just uncovered a 3,000-year-old Israelite tablet…
It reads: “Iran is only weeks away from developing a nuclear weapon.”
the pope, attempting to preach Augustine's cautionary “libido dominandi” (lust for domination) to 21st century visigoths and vandals.
Hegseth added that it reminded him of the prayer: “O Lord, bless this Thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy. And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs & sloths & carp & anchovies & orangutans & breakfast cereals”
At Pentagon worship service today, Pete Hegseth again read a violent prayer to bless the Iran war. But this time his prayer was apparently borrowed from 'Pulp Fiction.' I promise I'm not writing for @theonion.com now:
publicwitness.wordandway.org/p/hegseth-bo...
Hegseth added that reminded him of the prayer handed to him a couple of days ago that was “delivered from the lead mission planner of Sandy 1,” the head of the recent rescue mission that recently located and extracted Air Force crew members shot down in Iran. Hegseth then led those at the service in saying the prayer. “The path of the downed aviator is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men,” Hegseth prayed. “Blessed is he who, in the name of camaraderie and duty, shepherd the lost through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to capture and destroy my brother. And you will know my call sign is Sandy 1 when I lay my vengeance upon thee, and amen.”
I mean Jesus, you should pardon the expression, Christ
to summarize, this week jd vance laysplained st augustine of hippo to the augustinian pope, while the pope visited hippo
Responding to being called up to D.C., members of the president’s private militia, the Oath Keepers, climb the Capitol steps in formation known as "Ranger File.” Standard operating procedure for a combat team that is “stacking up" to breach a building and do combat team stuff.
can’t stop thinking about how seditious conspiracy is now legal. happy 250th, USA!
Trying to explain St Augustine to the pope, the former head of the Augustinian order, who wrote his doctoral thesis on Augustine, on his way back from celebrating mass at the Basilica of St Augustine in Annaba, Algeria, overlooking the site where Augustine lived is peak Adult Catholic Convert.
the pope, trying to explain Augustine’s ‘libido dominandi’ to 21st century visigoths & vandals
Drinking this No More Tears shampoo is just making me sadder.
original art. b&w drawing. the dark lord of an apocalyptic hellscape. with a Hitchcock cameo.
"Everything's Fine" (rapidograph and charcoal on paper)
zombees
The Pope is soft on crime though.
thank goodness we all grew back our gills
Jim Jones, David Koresh, and Charles Manson enjoyed role playing as Christ. All three raped girls and grifted their worshippers in the name of being the savior. But it’s probably just a coinkydink!
*death, war, gas prices, kidnappings*
The news: are billionaires happy?
I maintain that among the media's biggest mistakes has been continuing to ask Trump questions as if he's a normal guy instead of asking things like "Can you explain who Jesus is" or "Describe the process of pumping gas"
the enemy of my enemy is.... the pope? wait that can't be right.
Bannon referred to Orban as "Trump before Trump."
Well, Orban is gone. MAGA is next.
Magyar, closing his speach, now calling for accountability for those who turned on Hungarians. Refusing to be a country w/o consequences.
is there a Polymarket for how quickly Orbán flees Hungary to be Assad’s roomie in Russia.
a republic if you can vote your ass off to keep it.