Rest of world: “No shit”.

a man just drove by in a Dodge Charger with the song “you’ve got another thing coming” blaring from the stereo. Man i hope he gets that raise today.

Being a dad is 95% just turning off every light in the goddamn house.

you’re right. Where are the closest batting cages?

Cheers Marv!

I must admit I haven’t been watching. But I see the final scores being posted and, yes, that emoji is accurate.

three baby birds are in a nest with their beaks open . ALT: three baby birds are in a nest with their beaks open .

True story. I guess at least the “New Jays” should be playing hungry?

FREEDOM 55! (A Canadian comedian’s perspective) | The Pattersonian Today is my 55th birthday.

Wrote a little something for my 55th birthday today. You don't have to be 55 to read it. Good talk pattersonian.ca/2026/04/free...

We should line up the various Westons and do this. Especially Galen Jr…

“The Power” by Snap! just started playing in a cafe I was in. So I instinctively started the “running man”dance like I would when the song was first released in 1990. And just as instinctively, the females around me, fled.

Happy to see the astronauts have successfully landed. And as someone who has been on several flights that landed with no gate crew to greet the plane right away, I feel you.

As someone who had to drive through Toronto traffic twice today, I’m very jealous of the Artemis re-entry speed And that they don’t have to deal with a bunch of arseholes driving all around them. Especially the ones driving Audis.

looked towards the moon in the night sky last night but couldn’t see any sign of Artemis ll. Hopefully the astronauts remembered to turn the headlights on to “automatic” mode.

Perfect quote. Also, when the movie is made of this man, he will be played by Leonardo DiCaprio…

Dear Astronauts, Please say hi to this guy for me…

Want to wish all my practicing Catholic friends a good, Good Friday. Which, given the events of the day, is the most ironically named date in the Catholic calendar.

Wishing a speedy successful journey to the crew of Artemis ll. Hopefully they’re splitting gas money equally.

Hello friends/comedy fans who live in or near London Ontario…

Ford looks like he’s about to break into Riverdance here…

I think I join us all in saying, it should have been Coffee Crisp.

a leopard is standing on a tree branch surrounded by a herd of hyenas ALT: a leopard is standing on a tree branch surrounded by a herd of hyenas

My daughters fighting over the last pancake at breakfast just now…

If you’re ever faced with two young daughters set on making “slime” that they promise will “not stick” to surfaces, know that they are lying to your face.

…same. Except I wasn’t listed on the WonderCon website.

The “baking flour” was cocaine.

My daughters got all their mom’s good looks, which is fortunate for them. But they got all my utter indifference towards making it to the school bus on time in the morning. Which is bad for me.

Habs.

My daughter has the day off school so my wife booked her a hair appointment then asked me to go to the salon with her. So l would have to PAY for said appointment. My wife is a devious genius.

I think this is important and I hope the Premier of Ontario is listening. But he’s probably too busy doing a deal under a bridge to turn the Greenbelt into a Thermea Spa.