ME: Shaken, not stirred

WAITER: I don't think that's how you make omelettes

The Ring reboot looks scary as hell

TEACHER: Today we're going to cover chapters 900-3100 - the first weeks of March

A snake is just a bag of throat.

[not too distant future]

TEACHER: Please turn to page 400,976 of your 2025 History book

You shouldn't speak ill of the dead, when there are so many living to speak ill of.

I like pretending "side hustles" are fun hobbies and not acknowledging the fact working a full time job doesn't pay you enough to live please buy my keyrings

[during sex]
Me: yeah, you like that?
Him: mmhmm yeah
Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that white?

I put my phone in Airplane! mode and now it calls me Shirley

[putting my arm around my son and pointing to my anxieties] Someday all this will be yours

I love that milk is giving me strong bones, but I wish it’d stop leaving them on my porch

What your post failed to consider is me, a stranger with bad opinions

if we’re lucky, this asteroid may put us out of our misery 🤞🏼

fingers crossed 🤞🏼

i thought the bungee jumper would be safe if i tied the rope all funky. i guess knot

[the Hindenburg explodes]
Oh, the shareholders!

When people talk about temperature in fahrenheit, I assume I missed the day people had to abandon the earth to live on the sun.

Goddammit I think I just heard the Jumanji drums.

ME: I'm impressed you got us court side seats

MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty

ME: [being rushed into hospital while having my clothes cut off] Am I gonna be OK??

HIM: I have no idea, this is just a butt ugly outfit

Life hack: Avoid the tears when cutting onions by turning off the news

Trying to save the planet by swapping my plastic surgeon for a paper one

On Krypton the Super Bowl is just called The Bowl

Beythricé: Hi

Me: Uh-oh

[creating a clone of Beyoncé] lmao Beytwicé

I always hated team building events until I started working at Lego

You're the worst

[feeding a fox with a slingshot] Heyyy little buddy can I have your slingshot?

Hello hello 😁

Eating my midnight snacks at 11pm so I don't cheat on my diet

[first day as crime scene investigator] Eww I think I stepped in gum oh my god WHATTHEF