thehazelhayes
#EpsteinFiles

why are men?

It’s really difficult to know whether to believe my own eyeballs or the biggest fucking liars on the face of the earth.

yeah be careful or they'll start shooting us in the face for no reason!!!

about to take the title of “highest person at the hoa christmas party”

pantone really named “summer tits” the color of the year

got the october baseball zoomies

from the depths of my soul, and with the utmost sincerity:

dust storm making it look as apocalyptic out as it feels lately

hi! if you’re looking for somewhere to buy your soaps and skincare products in lieu of target and walmart, i own a small business that makes plastic-free soaps, natural skin balms, magnesium sprays, cbd bath bombs and pet products: www.wakebakeexfoliate.com

i one time witnessed a literal billionaire getting pissed on by their dog and it remains one of my fondest memories

fun prank: get down on one knee in front of your girlfriend on valentine’s day and slowly slide dr. scholl’s odor control inserts in her shoes

The trick is to stay aware of all he's doing but not feel overwhelmed by it. It's a hard trick.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going

we’re one news cycle away from hulk hogan being appointed to the justice department