sometimes my brain feels like when you get a bunch of the fucked up tetris pieces in a row

Due to the overwhelming popularity of our animal birth announcements, we’ll be celebrating other important animal milestones, like animal graduation and animal divorce.

[while sipping a honey vanilla chamomile tea and eating a lovely banana bread] i hope they burn in hell

Weather map captioned "Tracking the Polar Vortex" which just so happens to look like some big naturals, if you know what I mean. It even has low pressure icons for nipples!

DAD (pounding on the bathroom door): You better not be doing meteorology in there!

I am watching Drops of God and turning from wine lover to little wine freak. I will start naming the notes of even my boxed wines. There is no limit.

Would you use a Diddly What’s-it or a Whovier Cannon?

Pouring one out for guys whose phones only work once a month it must be so hard living like that 🙏

Interviewing politicians is pointless. Interview animals instead. They won't make sense either but at least they're worth looking at

Eating my weight in blackberries

world series game 7 spoiler alert: everyone wins due to the power of friendship

I tried to date a young guy but I said I was gonna pull a Tonya Harding on him and he had no idea what I was talking about

Put a kiss right on my collarbone.

You give me heart palpitations but like in a cute way

I see you reposted me. Is it because your wife is out of town?

It’s actually pretty bad for your mental health to know stuff

I just liked this post 36 seconds in so now we can both be embarrassed.

They’re a couple.

I put a Parmesan Reggiano rind in my soup. Where is my engagement ring?

The perfect fall day

Can I say I hate it here or is someone going to force me out of my home and execute me in the cul-de-sac across the street?

Wait until you get a Kreg Jig.

Do your mental health a favor and turn this on for today. You really don't want to watch this. It is awful.

If this is a fall market, why are my boobs sweating?

Stargazing

Proof of life

Congratulations, I hate you.

This is fixing me.

Just wanted to say hello to all my lovely friends here. ♥️ I miss you and your thoughts and I will try to be better about checking in here.