For the record: The Washington Post can go fuck itself.

Support pro-democracy media that doesn't have its head stuck up Donald Trump's ass. bit.ly/4qmEiFz

Kash Patel: Oh yeah? Could a drunk man do this?

Reporter: ...do what?

Kash Patel: You do what, muther fucker— [passes out while speaking, drops chin first to the ground]

I love it when people say if you are not so and so keep scrolling. Thank you I am busy

The people of Virginia have spoken.

While Trump and Republicans try to rig the midterm elections, voters are stopping them at every turn.

Tonight is a victory for the American people and our democracy.

Let’s keep fighting.

Al Gore:

“This is the most corrupt administration not only in American history, but more corrupt than I could ever have imagined a president would be able to get away with to the extent that he has. It’s shocking to me.”

I’m sure whatever you have to say can wait until I’m done writing my name with these scented markers.

I wish I had the confidence of the 5-year-old who just walked up to me in a hospital hallway and said, “Bad news mister, my mother is lost.”

ME: slow and steady wins the race

WIFE: i asked you to do the dishes 3 days ago

ME: slow and steady linda

phht. every action hero digs out a bullet. show me one digging out an ingrown toenail

Desperately seeking hot soups in my area.

New fangled. Old fangled.
Feeling fangled af.

I finally got a Costco membership again. My impulse control is lacking and my money is in danger. I have so much tortellini.

Virginia 👊 you the real ones

Any time can be quitting time if you just don’t care anymore.

[Walking into the bank]

I see debt people

I hate when you go out and want to order fries but they're made with wheat.

Years ago I decided that taking one day off after travel to recover, do laundry, etc, was an overall gain in work efficiency for the week following a trip. I highly recommend this strategy! Also I am terrible at actually implementing it and I may need to file a formal complaint against myself.

Job interviews are so weird. It’s just one person asking another stranger personal and invasive questions, and dropping in surprise hypotheticals like what kind of animal you’d be if given the chance to join a rock band from a fictional universe where bears, etc. can sing and play violins and shit.

Pope Leo: "Children are a gift from the Lord, Psalm 127:3"

Donald Trump: I'm listening.

European friend asked how I'm able to afford living in America and I said "easy, I'm boycotting everything" and then I ate a single grape.

Life goes on…

If you said it, you own it. Think first.

oh noooo my nemesis is wearing those smart glasses where he can literally see into my soul jokes on him i don’t have a soul im a vampire boo hold on that’s a ghost i mean bwah haha no wait that’s a villain maybe grrrr nope lion what about ah-OOH-ga ugh no that’s a cartoon character how about

we could all use a belly rub right about now

My bachelor party was pretty lame. My friends took me to a strip mall.

My daughter stopped at the hardware store today.You all should go someday. They have the best caramel corn in huge packages.

Some old guy sat down at the bar and told me he lost his wife last week.

Played it so straight I started tearing up and saying sorry for his loss.

Then he interrupts me to say, “at Wal/Mart. I lost her at Wal-Mart.”

Almost peed myself laughing. His deadpan delivery deserves an Oscar.

Friend: Let's get together! What's your calendar look like?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

Maura Quint will Save us YouTube video by Stand Up! With Pete

Great conversation with the brilliant hilarious and thoughtful @mauraquint.bsky.social www.youtube.com/live/ghga493...