My perfect vacation is being shrunk down to the size of an egg and having a protective hen sit on me while I read books

Me: so in conclusion I'd say I'm most like a cat

Interviewer: you mean you're quick and always land on your feet?

Me: *headbutting the vending machine to show affection*

Box of corn starch: Use to make thick

{2 hours later}

Proctologist: what the hell?

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

Fireman: Ma'am, how did the fire start?

Me: I doubled my cookie recipe.

Fireman:...

Me: So I started by setting the oven to 750°...duh.

A good boyfriend calls every day, brings candy, massages your feet, smells like cheese, melts like cheese, tastes like cheese, is cheese

Him: I wanna see you do something freaky tonight 😝

Me: *eats a Popeye's biscuit without drinking any water*

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

quick question: wtf

*applying lipgloss* ok i’m ready for the cat hair

You got me sweatier than a convenience store roller hot dog.

You can't lose your teeth from doing drugs, that's just a meth

🚽🧻🥰

Him: I wanna see you do something freaky tonight 😝

Me: *eats a Popeye's biscuit without drinking any water*

who is this rorschach guy and where did he get all the pictures of my parents fighting.

Get Lay'd on the first date.

Tostito'd at the zoo.

Pringle'd at a bar mitzvah.

Sour cream and onion'd in your mama's kitchen.

I have daydreams of riding a Zamboni down an icy highway so don’t look to me for adult advice.

I have never been swimming because it’s never been more than 30 minutes since I last ate

🎶 i get knocked DOWN (lies down on stage at karaoke night while the rest of the song plays)

What'll I do when I'm retired? I'm not even finished being tired for the first time

somebody just said idiosyncrasy to me and i panicked and said that's my favourite album by the police

Bad news, Pepperidge Farms just got diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

I'm having a midriff crisis.

Sorry I screamed out "Al Bundy" during sex but it was my first time doing it on a toilet

Feel like I might be the best at birdwatching. I see those mfs all the time.

Repeatedly hitting the escape button yet remaining at work is why I have trust issues