Unconstitutional

I was going to get stuff done this morning but I cancelled it

Pro tip: if you’re tired of retail workers asking you for your phone number or to sign up for their store card, tell them you’ve been deemed legally incompetent by the courts and they won’t hit you with the “Are you suuuure? You could save 15%”

Sure but when I wear MY Jimmy Carter pajamas I get made fun of 😭

Like buddy, I’m walking into people’s private home bathrooms saying that 😂😭

The four Mad Men episodes I can’t wait for Gen Z to watch

Normally I’m not big on patting myself on the back BUT last night I did clean out my garage so I could actually park my car in it before the weather showed up

This almost looks like lake effect snow, it’s so thicc

She said Santa must be tired of milk and cookies, let’s give him a real treat

I have no idea what this means

Deer seizing the opportunity to avenge his family members lost on the highway

This guy also used a number associated with his LinkedIn, and is very lucky I am not as quick to sic the internet mob on them as they are on me

Hard to turn down a 12k audience lmao I’m no better than anyone else

This guy called me four times in a row from a local number owned by his wife and stopped as soon as I texted his his own name. So he got to spend all Christmas dinner with his butthole puckered, hoping his wife didn’t check her message requests

Firing this up thanks to a 7 day Twitter ban, because MAGA is so upset I shared a TikTok about ICE getting embarrassed in the Target parking lot that they sent me death threats, mass reported my account, and called my 70 yr old mom to harass her on Christmas Day

Who is handing these things out??

Apparently we aren’t even allowed to build single family homes in Mac Grove anymore

There’s two kinds of ADHD, you either must use autopay or you can’t at all. I am the latter

Why pick one candidate when we could have Mayor DeFatJazz

Congrats to Hannah and Jon on the purchase of their first house! These guys wanted to stop throwing their rent money away and start earning some sweat equity instead, so we found the perfect pre-1900 bungalow to make their own in St Paul. Enjoy your new home! ☀️🏡❤️

You know a simple pleasant reminder would suffice. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar

Wow that’s crazy. I guess it really is important to do your own research

A right-winger googled my job and casually threatened to out me for telling someone to shut the fuck up for harassing Nick Swardson to make Grandma’s Boy 2, they are no longer in control of the monster of their own creation

It is not, I’m afraid (?)

I posted about it when it was listed last year but the history said it sold then and is relisted one year later

Don’t show Nola!

Anyways it’s a 6 beds, 5 bath, 10,277 sq ft masterpiece for a cool 2.9 million if anyone wants to start a cult www.zillow.com/homedetails/...

Hostel II vibes

What if a steampunk couple had too much money