Not going to apologize, today I witnessed my kid reading a book and forced them to put all 350 pages one at a time down the garbage disposal. They need to retain the option to become a president, or CEO this is my responsibility as a father to look out for the future.
Nothing surprising today, the US government has a long history of ignoring diversity and focusing on the straits.
Scientists are still researching which came first the Easter Bunny or the Easter Egg.
Man inside Spencer’s Gifts wearing a covid mask, holding a pirates bounty of likely phallic shaped suckers while wearing a baseball hat with a girthy 3D cock on it.
Was waxing nostalgic on early 2000’s mall culture and wondered if Spencer’s Gifts still existed. The answer is apparently yes and this was the first photo on the google landing page for a nearby store.
They want to talk about Pam Bondi ignoring pedophilia, but it is really about all the Pam Bonding we did along the way.
I trust our Democratic leadership in Schumer and Jefferies, I know in the critical moment they will step up and hold the door while I am marched into the work camp.
Sometimes a kid asks you a question like how do ants not die in the winter and you realize you are an idiot who knows nothing.
So what did they do with all of Jo-Ann’s fabrics? Where are they? What are they hiding?
So many species are going extinct , rainforests burning down, but is anyone going to call out the successful resurgence of the measles? Talk about pulling yourself up by the bootstraps.
Picture of a woman wearing weird ass glasses extenders
Trendy new way to look like an absolute freak just dropped. Run don’t walk to get yours.
Bought a top of the line stroller, a few thoughts:
1. Never worry about crossing the street everyone stops
2. So much storage
3. Easy seat on the train
4. People get really angry when they notice I am just pushing a backpack and a bunch of snacks around for some reason.
A philosopher once posited why do tears come at night, why might one cry cry cry at the lonely part if you are truly lucky nothing is missing in your life.
School shootings are bad and it wouldn’t be unreasonable to enact a few things to make them less likely to occur.
Life sentences for apps that require pop notifications using those for ads.
Lazy rainy Saturday, just sitting at home by myself Jack Antonoff.
I refuse to figure out what a labubu is.
Not using a phone case just so I can condescendingly call anyone who points it out as a child that can’t be trusted with anything of value. *Actually just too lazy to buy a new case.
I have had to explain this to at least 2 of my ex wives.
Cosmopolitan Mag sex tip: You can simply pee in your partners vagina (where the pee comes from) and let her take care of it for the both of you later.
Little known fact, Mr. Bean was named for his mind blowing orgasms.
Not to brag but I received a Lou Bega CD featuring chart topping hit Mambo Number 5 in my Easter basket as a child.
Workshopping a Facebook Mom meme: Intermittent fasting, yeah I take naps.
My carpal tunnel is acting up stuffing all these Snickers bars with razor blades, when the fuck is Halloween?
Quick Monday Money Tip: You make more cash mowing grass than touching grass.
Kermit phone
When you call me into work on my day off, know this is what I am answering the call with.
Made a passionfruit mimosa and watching the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest. God bless America. 🇺🇸
Live your life in a way nobody calls you feckless, because you can’t have nerds talking shit about you.
My wife who doesn’t really watch movies somehow read that The Substance was a great date movie, and gotta say knowing nothing that was not what I was expecting.
My unreasonable boss said this week having “bad vibes” did not warrant an excused absence this Friday.
Today I am thinking about the dad on my cul de sac growing up that I would always see hand building an airplane in his garage, and I am not ready to ask my parents for an update.