Day 16: Was doing better in terms of intrusive thoughts and worrying less about calories, and then I ended up in the ER for a kidney stone. Sooo I'm probably gonna either lose a lot of weight from the nausea, or gain a lot from stress eating
The hunger makes me delirious.
The hunger makes me dissociate.
The hunger should motivate me.
The hunger is my friend.
But it eats at my soul, not just my fat.
why is mine so unhinged and horny??
Partner reminded me today that they adore my body no matter what when I brought up I was gonna get a wax. They probably don't know how much that means to me..
#caterpillarsky
I'm honestly too weak-willed for this disorder. Don't know how I thought me, the least motivated person ever, could ever stay consistent with an ED.
I can't give up cause I hate looking in the mirror too much, but I'm also probably going to break every fast I try.
#caterpillarsky
not a big fan of antis showing up on my saved feeds cause they use the keywords while they bash us for having disorders 🙃
the brain worms are louder than reality
literally one of the only reasons I'm still alive at this point, my fear of death. sending hugs, moot
Way easier to ignore hunger when I'm hanging out with my partner, thank god
Day 15: Gained a pound back...
Heart palpitations again tonight, eugh, guess it's my punishment for pigging out tonight
The second I started losing weight, my ADHD goes "oh cool, so we can stop trying now and eat treats again", like no, you idiot, this is literally the starting line, we're not stopping till we got hip dips
Also been constantly breaking out in these horrible zits and pimples all over my neck and shoulders since I was over 200, it makes me feel so gross and ugly even though literally no one sees it and acne is very normal.
Weirdly comforting to see that all my mutuals are also having shitty nights. Got horrible news about a job today, so I over ate, and I didn't even exercise today cause my legs needed to recover. Fuck...
#caterpillarsky
Day 14: Easy hack for avoiding meals, just sleep until 2:30pm lol
Making weight goal moodboards, except I look up my actual body type so I'm not completely delulu about it
Oooo that's a very good analogy, I might borrow it
don't mind if I dooo
it's like "but what if I genuinely don't like how I look? not even that I don't look skinny enough or whatever, but I just straight-up don't like how I'm built?" I don't think people without dysmorphia can wrap their heads around that concept
Very frustrating, should have done my research before buying a regular bathroom scale. Turns out anything besides a medical-grade scale won't give you super accurate numbers based on a number of things. I don't want to waste more money on another one, but my curiosity is killing me
Actually feeling sore from doing squats in VR, lets fucking go. Very much enjoy feeling the fruits of my labor (please god gimme an addiction to working out, that'd fix half my life's problems 🙏)
Day 13: Starting to think my scale isn't super accurate, it gave me 227, then 230, then 229. Just gonna take the win and assume I'm down another pound 💪
God, if finance stress ruins my progress, I'm going to personally wrangle the neck of whichever ancestor gave me these fucked up disabilities that keep me from a normal job
And then I'll be right at my goal weight by my birthday next year, wouldn't that be amazing :)) God it'll feel like heaven to not be weighed down anymore, and I'll probably be more in shape with my consistent workouts.
At least by the time we move in together at the end of the year, I'll hopefully be at 165. Not perfect, but so much better than over 200, my god
I'm going to visit my partner in September, and I'll only lose another 18 pounds at my current rate. That won't even put me below 200, I'll be at 212, what a joke. Thank god she loves me enough for both of us, cause that's just embarrassing
Day 12: When your calorie deficit isn't even dangerous and is actually a healthy daily amount. And you realize that you really were just pigging out and it's not in your head...
Lighting cinnamon candles for warm vibes: 🙂
Cinnamon smell tricks my nose into smelling breakfast and makes me extremely hungry: ☹️
literally, god gives its fastest metabolisms to its most ungrateful children
Hydration!!