I chose a BRILLIANT couple of weeks to be signed off work, in retrospect.

NO

Snooker! #snooker

"Someone tried to strangle Sneako", "Clavicular just had a drug overdose", I refuse to believe that understanding any of these headlines is better for me than chain-smoking

Everything's dreadful, but at least there's a new Murderbot book soon

Melania: I never cut child in half with sword. I never do this.

The entire USA: what?

Melania: not me.

Wondered why my teeth were looking dreadful, then realised I've been drinking ginger & turmeric tea. Yep, that'll do it.

Oh yeah definitely the one thing sci fi and fantasy has been missing is the male gaze

A shower with an option for "heater" and for temperature. All pretty standard. However, there is also an option for "eels."

My shower in Malaysia has an option I don't really want to try

Just said "OH FUCK THAT" out loud in response to the jaunty little tune my friend's washing machine just played, so Easter Sunday is going amazingly here.

Darmok and Jalad! At the Disco

Look, if Jesus can rise then so can you

I know the tweet is Al generated when they use " ," before and.

“I will NOT sacrifice the Oxford comma. We've made too many compromises already; too many retreats. They assimilate the em dash and we fall back. They capture ‘not just X but y’ and we fall back. Not again. The line must be drawn here! This far, no further!”

This is oddly compelling

At a housewarming party and somehow we're watching Trapped In The Closet???

Thank you so much for introducing me to this beautiful man. Truly a public service.

HAH! I get it all the time visiting home when people from school say hi to me. Like...who the hell are you?

Lin-Manuel Miranda tweet about Manny Jacinto's handsomeness

Every time I see a picture of Zendaya I'm just floored for a good 30 seconds because she's just SO FUCKING PRETTY.

Like, same vibe

I still have to stop myself saying “real fuckin sexy just like you asked” whenever anything involves taking a photo

It's this little gem and it's not up for debate

I mean, I wouldn't, but I'm not HR, you do you

hello 👋 i have developed a new tool called blüuümpíi. blüuümpíi will convert every file on your hard drive to a .wav file without asking you, maximize your system volume, and play them on every bluetooth speaker you have ever connected to. if you offer feedback on blüuümpíi i will take legal action

They: Hi! Through our unhallowed ransacking of the world's knowledge, your computer can now talk to the dead.

Me: Can it talk to my printer yet?

They: haha no

Conversation At Other End Of Table Sounds Way More Interesting

Conversation At Other End Of Table Sounds Way More Interesting theonion.com/conversation-at-other-en...

Missed this the other day soz! I think I inherently recognise other gingers.

Arguing with the parents about The Pillars Of The Earth. What a Sunday morning.

HAH! It is a constant source of anxiety

Ta pet!

YES YES WE DID THANK YOU

(yes this does mean I'm single again, don't ask)