Daddy for femboy dating app called Twinkster.

Really? This shot got like 30 likes on twinkster.

When you live with two long haired women you’re going to end up with a long hair or two in your ass crack.

When you live with two long haired women you’re going to end up with a long hair or two in your ass crack.

Classroom of kids: “6 7! 6 7! HAHAHAHA!! 6 7!”

Me: “7 8 9.”

All the kids gasp. Some start crying. One kid throws up.

Coworker that says “no homo” every time he wipes his ass.

The “fuck her right in the pussy” guy walked so the “hawk tuah” girl could run.

Happy Easter!

Hot Ones sex lube challenge.

“And this is the rumpus room.”

*opens door to reveal room full of people butt fucking*

Pretending to find the clit as an April Fools day joke.

Sorry I’ve been m.i.a. I was clinically dead for two weeks.

The funniest thing about the trad wife culture is the idea that a woman wants to spend all day cleaning house, grocery shopping, and running errands, and then coming home to her husband and three adult sons pounding their fists on the table and chanting “Pasghetti! Pasghetti!”

Lmao. Went to get a back alley abortion and the “doctor” came in with a toilet plunger.

Listening to my kid babbling about Pokémon for the last 45 minutes.

If you ever travel to Penisylvania don’t forget to rub garlic in your penis to protect yourself from gay vampires.

“Leave Jim Carrey alone”

“Doctor! Help! My wife has been in a terrible accident!”

“You’ve come to the wrong place, pal. This is a pizzeria. But if your wife wants some mozzarella sticks we got you.”

Pizza!🎵
And pasta!🎵
And salad and wings!🎵

Down at Dr. Pizza™ we got all of those things!🎵

“Hotdogs are made from lips and assholes.”

You’re not discouraging me, dawg. Those are my favorite parts of my girlfriend.

Air Bud implies the existence of Water Bud, Earth Bud, and Fire Bud.

Getting done from Cthulhu and then spending the rest of my life in an insane asylum trying to convince everyone how amazing it was.

It’s better to have lobster on your piano than crabs on your organ. 😜

(I stole this from a Big Johnson shirt)

My favorite prank call to make is when I call a bowling alley and ask, “Do you have 10lbs. balls?”
And when they reply, “Yes we do.”
I say “Deez nuts!”

Warren Zevon voice: “Ah-oooooh! Hotdogs and onions.”

2005 post:

Calling Blockbuster every hour and asking if they have any copies of Shark Tale available.

Apple Watch widget that shows my boner percentage rate.

They made another Fockers movie.

If you break into my house you’d better be prepared for the consequences.

We should force all politicians over 70 to retire Midsommar style.

Donald Trump has been championing the coal industry because he thought miners were actually minors.