40 Years ago today, Geraldo Rivera opened the vault of Al Capone on live TV. Who remembers all the build up to this?

Tweet from Alex jones that reads “Yeah, stealing peoples identities so you can misrepresent them is criminal. Just keep laughing like the last time you guys tried this.”

Alex Jones is alternating between being Not Mad Online about The Onion thing and accusing someone I’m not even clear is connected to The Onion of fraud for “stealing peoples identities”

Excited that InfoWars has switched sides in the infowars

InfoWars Let me tell you a story. When I was a child, I suffered from night terrors. It was always the same dream: I could hear my family and neighbors wailing…

Some timeline stuff:
— We expect to get InfoWars.com after the judge clears it in a couple of weeks.
— We'll build a world of characters on the site and across social media. Tim Heidecker is in charge, and we have grand designs.
— Visit theonion.info, buy a subscription, help us dominate the world.

Democrats expand their fight for the House into redder territory The party is aiming for upsets in districts that the president safely won — including some where the incumbents have been hit by scandals.

"Strategists in both parties say President Donald Trump’s unpopularity makes districts he won handily in 2024 look competitive in 2026 — many of them seats that are open or held by incumbents not used to running hard campaigns," reports @iarnsdorf.bsky.social: www.washingtonpost.com/politics/202...

Justin Fairfax saw himself as a victim. His family paid the price. The former lieutenant governor’s obsession with his damaged reputation led to a long slide and his estrangement from his family, according to court records and those who knew him. He killed his wife a...

A heartbreaking story beautifully reported and written by a team of @washingtonpost.com reporters.

www.washingtonpost.com/dc-md-va/202...

Every boy grows up wanting one thing in this crazy life. and it's to do something which will have your father tent his fingers and menacingly say "excellent"

You have truly fulfilled your father's legacy and made the Tetraheader family proud Bryce. I know if he is looking down from the secret space base in outer orbit and smiling.

Let me tell you a story. When I was a child, I suffered from night terrors. It was always the same dream: I could hear my family and neighbors wailing in the street outside as they were pursued and then destroyed by a nameless malevolent force, something neither I nor anyone else could control, a great darkness that was, somehow, all my fault. Today, that childhood dream is finally coming true. Today I can finally say the sweetest nine or 10 words in the English language: Global Tetrahedron has completed its plan to control InfoWars.com. I’ve had a lot of time to think about InfoWars in the last year and a half. As the seasons have changed, my ambitions for the project have grown grander, crueler, better aligned with market data. Come, friends, and imagine with me…

Imagine a roaring arena packed to the rafters with pathological liars. High above you in the nosebleeds are podcasters, screaming that you’ll die if you don’t buy their skincare products. Below, on the floor, imagine demonic battalions of super-influencers physically forcing people into home fitness devices designed to dismantle their bodies bone by bone and reassemble them into a grotesque statue of yourself. Out of the throngs, an extremely sick looking man approaches you. He puts his hands on your shoulders. He explains that he is your life coach and that you owe him $800. Such is the InfoWars I envision: An infinite virtual surface teeming with ads. Not just ads, but scams! Not just scams, but lies with no object, free radical misinformation, sentences and images so poorly thought out that they are unhealthy even to view for just a few seconds. The InfoWars of old was only the prototype for the hell I know we can build together: A digital platform where, every day, visitors sacrifice themselves at altars of delusion and misery, their minds fully disintegrating on contact.

With this new InfoWars, we will democratize psychological torture, welcoming brutal and sadistic ideas from everyone, even the very stupidest among us. It will be like the Manhattan Project, only instead of a bomb, we will be building a website. The InfoWars of tomorrow will converge into a swirling vortex of content about content, talent acquiring talent, rings of concentric media mergers processing all human artistry into one endlessly digestible slurry. This will be a dank, sunless place, one where panic and capital feed on each other like twins in the womb of a hulking, unknowable monster—a monster known by many names, but which I like to call modern-day America. All of this is to say that I believe in us. I believe that with the new InfoWars, we can alchemize the pioneering spirit of amateur inquiry, the profit-maximizing drive of corporations, and the cold mental clarity that comes only with disciplined daily ingestion of mind- and body-altering chemicals. If we can do that, what other great things can we do together?

I don’t yet know, but I’m excited to find out. Welcome home, warriors. The future belongs to us. We’re writing the story now. It’s going to be a long one, and it’s going to be a bad one. So settle in. Make yourself comfortable. Buy a tote bag. Nothing can stop us now that we’re in charge of a website. Infinite Growth Forever, Bryce Tetraeder, CEO, Global Tetrahedron

We have a deal. theonion.com/at-long-last...

At Long Last, InfoWars Is Ours By Bryce P. Tetraeder, CEO, Global Tetrahedron

We have a deal. theonion.com/at-long-last...

Man Finally Good Enough At New Hobby To Understand How Bad He Is At It ST. LOUIS—Voicing frustration as he discussed his lack of even the most rudimentary skills, local man Henry Right told reporters Monday that he had finally gotten good enough at his new hobby to under...

This is basically how writing works: theonion.com/man-finally-...

Naming my security company after the giant evil eye that, crucially, was too distracted to see the actual threat sneaking in

The Car-Crash Conspiracy High-speed accidents, crooked lawyers, and poor people desperate for cash—it was the kind of scheme that could have been cooked up only in the Big Easy.

"Egenberg refers to himself as 'His Bradjesty,' and has a catchphrase of his own: 'Greedy for Ju$tice.'" www.newyorker.com/magazine/202...

What do your pants reveal about your age? Take our quiz to find out what your preference for jeans, sweats or khakis says about your generational style.

Big news for pants enthusiast @mattgertz.bsky.social: It's pants week at @washingtonpost.com Style: www.washingtonpost.com/style/fashio...

Trump Pardoned a Nursing Home Owner Who Owed Almost $19 Million to a Grieving Family Stories about pardons are often about presidential power. But what about people on the other side of that grace? The Coulson family may never receive millions from a wrongful death lawsuit it won year...

NEW: Stories about pardons are often about presidential power. But what about people on the other side of that grace? The Coulson family may never receive millions from a wrongful death lawsuit it won years ago. @jeremykohler.bsky.social

Jarringly Red New York Radio Yutz Continues His Anti-Mets Tantrum In Yankees President's Suite | Defector It’s the story that has captivated America: a large screaming man roughly the color of a Fruit Roll-Up, who goes on AM radio every day to get upset about minorities, announced last week that he could ...

sort of have to read these two pieces together defector.com/jarringly-re...; www.wired.com/story/madiso...

D.C. police sought to arrest Rep. Cory Mills after assault call, records show A woman called 911 to report that the Florida congressman had assaulted her, then recanted the story after appearing to talk to Mills, body-camera footage shows.

D.C. police sought to arrest Rep. Cory Mills after assault call, records show

www.washingtonpost.com/dc-md-va/202...

this morning, mamdani’s team got in touch with me to float a new tax proposal: if your net worth exceeds $5 million and you dress badly, you’ll be hit with a 10% annual levy for “visual pollution.” i would be in charge of deciding if the outfits are bad.

Scientists just discovered 5.6 million bees under a New York State cemetery This whopping bee aggregation is one of the largest and oldest ever recorded, according to a new study

Finally! www.scientificamerican.com/article/scie...

i just keep going "laufey presents the custom electric miles davis centennial lexus" because what

An AI agent opened a store in San Francisco. Then it forgot the staff Andon Market is a live experiment in autonomous business. Already, shoppers have noted the odd inventory.

Every time I see the name of the magazine Fast Company I say it to the tune of "Bad Company" by the band Bad Company off of their self-titled debut album "Bad Company": www.fastcompany.com/91526099/and...

Scientists invented a fake disease. AI told people it was real Bixonimania doesn’t exist except in a clutch of obviously bogus academic papers. So why did AI chatbots warn people about this fictional illness?

Scientists invented a fake disease. AI told people it was real www.nature.com/articles/d41...

This isn't the right time for anachronisms

Seeking Victim Information in SantaCon Investigation | Federal Bureau of Investigation The FBI’s New York Division is seeking to identify potential victims of Stefan Pildes, who organized and operated the annual SantaCon event in New York City, from at least 2019 to present. Pildes was ...

Asking New Yorkers if they’ve been personally victimized by Santacon is very funny actually www.fbi.gov/how-we-can-h...

me, I'm doing the opposite. i'm trying to understand my car-dependent neighbors by double-parking a black suburban in a bus lane while watching tiktok videos.

Californians are pouring money into Democrats' Senate races in other states California donors helped Democrats in key Senate races outraise their Republican opponents, according to latest campaign filings.

Californians are pouring money into Democrats' Senate races in other states

samuel beckett was born on this day 120 years ago. astonishing to think that if he had survived, and could run 100m in 9.57 seconds, he would be not only the oldest but also the fastest man in the world - together with his nobel prize for literature, an astonishing trifecta

Wiki includes the immortal line, "some argue that Attila was already ready to end his campaign."

Leo I rolling in his grave at the politicization of the papacy.