mario mangitwo is at large

*check your car’s registration*

i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again. if you aren’t “antifa”, you’re just “fa”

i’m gonna say it. flossing is underrated i fucking love flossing my teeth

referred to luigi mangione to my sister and friends as their future brother in law and that’s how i immediately knew i was cut off from alcoholic beverages for the night

love looking for expired license plates while stuck in traffic as if i haven’t driven around with an expired registration for 2 years

had a dream that i found the new ghost raspberry cream energy drink and that was the dream

why is a sean casey glazer trying to tell me that my tornado (that was confirmed by the nws) is just a scud cloud

17 year old coworker is planning my bachelorette party (??????) (i am single and have been for 5 years)

*young me, developing a strong sense of justice*

This is gonna be great, what an asset, this will never drive me insane

babe wake up, new member of the millionaire strike team just dropped

going to a technical college is so funny bc we just got an email looking for volunteers to get drunk on campus for field sobriety test training

is now a good time to bring up the time (2 weeks away) that my coworker asked me how i feel about “the guy that bit a bat’s head off”

it’s funny when someone messages me claiming to be a media company that wants to pay me to use my footage but the profile has 80 followers and averages 3 likes per post

no i will not be signing the rights to my beloved tornado video to you (or anyone, for that matter)

everyone talks about not wanting to see reed timmer in their town during storms but we need to talk more about the ominous presence of a caravan of 10+ storm chasing vehicles

hi i saw a tornado today

might as well have that boy listening to rage against the machine in there

class action lawsuits are so fun. yes in fact, i am incredibly distraught that an item i purchased 8 years ago was falsely advertised in an ad that i never even saw, and i will be requiring financial compensation

source? my beautiful, beautiful brain

i love working somewhere that has a gun shredder. like ok don’t mind us, we’re just shredding thousands of guns 2day

how am i supposed to trust someone to fix my computer when they can’t even make a website that looks like it was conceived in this millennia

anytime i’m having a hard time studying, i remind myself that every page i turn is a door that women before me fought to open but my god, is it difficult when that door leads to an anatomy textbook

um hey, does your girlfriend know that you’re sending me gifts on pokemon go…??

can’t believe i let a MAN ruin my spotify algorithm with all the shitty music he sent me

i know my car insurance hates to see me approaching the illinois border

love it when the attorneys say sassy things to each other. like ok divas

hey guys can we please stop freeze-drying every single type of candy to ever exist thanks

the most shocking thing about Luigi Mangione’s “27 things” letter is that they’re allowed to listen to The Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy in federal custody

getting real sick of spotify thinking i like ska way more than i actually do