rearranging the hideaway in my mind to make room for more floor cushions and cheese snacks

I have evidence that a small toothpaste company called Aquafresh gains power in the next century and eventually starts a bot war that will likely end humanity. And now (or then) they’ve started sending bots into the past to kill anyone who can prevent it.

Welp, you solved the mystery of there was no mystery. Thanks.

A great weekend retreat. Our corporate speaker was a historical actor playing Bill Gates. He championed the Internet but that was the easy part. Making a satisfying sequel is harder. Remember Basic Instinct 2?

One of the fun things about going to dollar general is they print out tons of these receipts with coupons and most people don’t bother to take them of the machine, so I feel like I’m doing something naughty when I grab the whole chain. To be clear, I’m not.

In my day, businesses that didn’t give away drink coozies with their logos on them were scams. We will be offering free Sequel to the Internet coozies soon. The polyurethane used in the making of the coozies is banned in six countries but it’s fine in the U.S.

Jumanji 4: The One After the Third

😃 not the corn crunch. Lock up the Captain!

Hey guys, I thought up a title for the next Jumanji movie if anyone wants to hear about it or cover the announcement for a local newspaper.

You can’t blame yourself

Haha. I didn’t even notice. It wasn’t at a discount store. Not clearance. You think the prize might’ve been a yacht???? Dammit. I would have looked great on that.

That’s Oppenheimer level genius.

😄 but the calcium from the milk should help.

Box of cereal at the store. “Mystery Crunch.” Front of box shows Captain Crunch’s face with one eye covered by a magnifying glass

This is troubling in many ways. The Captain has been under fire and now this??? What’s the mystery? Last time it was borderline treason. We need to be able to trust in our cereal Navy and our safety on the Milky Sea.

Had another security breach at the office today. Someone came in through our screen door. It has a perfectly good lock on it, but someone didn’t latch it. So long story short, anyone who has signed up, your Blockbuster rental history has been compromised.

I had the idea for Sydney Sweeney five years ago. I remember mentioning a lady who might be super sexy and wears denim. But nobody listens to me.

I read Where the Wild Things Are and this Wendy’s waitress won’t give me free personal pan pizza??? She saw me read it. Do you have to be at Pizza Hut to make it work?

I’m so rich! When I go to an Extended Stay Holiday Inn I pay for adjoining rooms & then tear down the middle wall. Some quick sheet rock work and I double the sq footage. I try to pick a throw pillow that ties both rooms together.

Our Sequel to the Internet kickstarter is approaching two epic stretch goals. At $20,000 backers unlock that free book of Pizza Hut Coupons. At $25,000 backers get a free rental at Blockbuster.

Still on the fence about backing. Does the coupon book offer a discount on the P’Zone? Always been curious about those. Specifically interested in the Supremo flavor.

I stayed quiet in solidarity

We’ve protected every race, religion, and creed, but no one has ever lifted a finger to stop people from making fun of mimes.

I was anointed to do this…a voice on my noise canceling headphones told me to build a new internet and to populate it with two of each kind of internet troll

I really do think

Did you know that Alanis Morrisette lived closer to present day than to when the pyramids were built?

The trouble with having Jeff Goldblum working for your start-up is that you’re going to see him in the break room…and he’s going to talk about skincare. 🙄He has great skin, but it’s just not realistic for me. I’ve got a ph balance problem.

Rite-Aid manager won’t let me convert my reward points into bonus cash so I can buy a carton of Marlboros to use the Marlboro rewards to buy the cord. Do I have legal options?

A Gold Crown sticker on its white backing sitting on a roll of toilet paper

To those who try to say I don’t have stacks of cash…how do you explain this?!?! A Hallmark Gold Crown sticker on each square of my toilet paper.

The sequel to the internet will be gluten free. But it will be manufactured in an office with some real nuts. 😊NGL I love my team. Our CFO walked by and said “Farking hard or hardly farking?” I died LOL. What does it even mean?

Where can I get this cord. I have a great need to know.