one day my children will bring my posts before a judge as the reason they are questioning my competence

VERY COOL PERSON: It's four-twenty, you know what that means?

ME: Hell yeah! [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

You kids and your fancy bathroom alchemy. Time was, all you need in the shower was a bar of soap, a can of Schlitz, and a crippling fear of intimacy

It just seems strange that the only organ that has strings you could pull is your heart.

BF: “Hey I used some of your cream I found in the bathroom.
Estro…something. I feel so great - OMG we should listen to Shania!!!”

Careful, that’s my load bearing delusion

*hearing kids screaming in horror in the distance* ahh, they grow up so fast

[tree buds in spring]
bud #1: hey bud
bud #2: hey buddy
bud #3: ‘sup, bud
bud #4: wassup my guys
bud #1: guys???
bud #4: sorry but c’mon it’s nothing to sneeze at
bud #1: what

Don't judge someone by the meds they take, you may very be the reason they're taking them.

life passing me by sounds pretty good right now

I ordered us an edible arrangement

“you got us weed gummies didn’t you?”

🤘😈

“I hate it when you have chocolate in the refrigerator, & it’s very very hard to break off a piece that isn’t either a tiny splinter or 95% of the bar,” she says, with her mouth full of 95% of the bar.

sometimes my love for imaginary things feels even better than the real thing baby

In preparation for this afternoon’s severe weather, Gary anchors his lawn furniture with all the final documents due today.

I want to be an assassin for hire but I also want to work from home, dilemma

This day in history. 1925. German serial killer Friedrich Heinrich Karl "Fritz" Haarmann was executed by guillotine. You may know him as the Butcher of Hanover, or the Vampire of Hanover, or the Wolf Man of Hanover, or the Godfather of Funk but why are you doing that?

He told me I have a nice rack and started sniffing my coriander.

The most beautiful way to make a new friend is to grab a stranger's hand and just start running as fast as you can

Wellsir, the street sweepers have returned, or as I like to call them – road zambonis

I remain positive that daily affirmations don't work.

My hobby is whimsy.

Do you mind if I collect some of those beads of sweat on your forehead to make some nice jewelry?

eight ball more like ate ball (i just ate a meatball)

Know who else is weak on crime? Dolly Parton.

After I do yard work, my body holds a grudge and somehow is madder on day three.

At my age, getting off to a good start could be just getting out of bed without groaning.

My Christmas card this year is going to be me as Jesus healing the sick while my family holds American flags, guns, and sparklers.

you know what they say if you’re not part of a group chat then you’re a handsome loner who has absolutely no secrets better left buried