who up catastrophizing

*opens Instagram account*

*doesn't post any selfies or food pics*

*account gets locked for violating TOS*

I know the purge when I see it.

Firm to the touch, no smell at all 🎵

one time my dad built a machine that used sound waves from korn songs to remove oil stains from his driveway.

In the capital of Peru, they're just called beans.

pot solstice

[computer lady voice] domicile 70% operational

Love is…a pulled pork baked potato

Food is funny.

My favorite part of Star Wars was when Ripley would give a hysterical guy the Vulcan pinch thingy

Hot take:

If you are at a social event and they have hot hors d'oeuvres, take them.

Dad Sneeze Season has begun.

My Neighbor: *sees me across the street*

Me [in my head]: I know it's Monday, Bill. I MEANT to bring out the trash bins a day early. Yeah that's it. I did not mindlessly do it thinking it's Tuesday, no sir. And why do you care anyway? Shouldn't you be at work? Goddamn Mrs. Kravitz over here.

I can feel god with us in this thrift store today.

420
You know
what that means

Yep
Check the batteries
In your smoke
Detectors

Except me, I'm a delight 😁

Nobody told me these suspenders were going to give me cameltoe

Me, opening the fridge: Hmm..nothing..
Lettuce in a bag: Hey!
Me: Nothing, indeed

A tiny little traffic island in our view there. Nothing special about it really, apart from the half-dozen or so empty beer barrels (one distinctively Guinness).

What about this fantastically Irish traffic island though?

The sax solo is right behind me isn't it?

Happy birthday to marijuana

The three something-or-other in a trench coat meme is now available for children’s parties, corporate events, and gender reveals.

you don’t win friends with unsalted pistachios

Every city should have their own bullshit holiday

breathe in
breathe out
choke on spit

life passing me by sounds pretty good right now

Hello, I would like to waste 3 seconds of your time. Thank you.

EAT THE FORBIDDEN BABY OWL

GET HER NUMBER