I hate having to figure out if shit is AI all the dang time

you think I can stay out of res if I'm not losing weight???? bc I really don't think what I'm doing is serious and I'm not done yet tbh

maybe a pickle will calm me down

cw//cal numbers

I'm supposed to be averaging 1300 cal a day for the week between my last dietician appt and my next one. right now I'm SIXTEEN HUNDRED BEHIND. last week she said "I really want you eating 1300 every day and I just don't know how to help you do that" so I'm scared I'm en route to res

I don’t want to sit with the long-term consequences because the short-term reward feels good.

Depression lies about invisibility, it lies about replaceability and it lies about burden.

things are bad in calorieland y'all. My blood pressure is HIGH? wtf is that about? my muscles are so weak I can't hold my phone out to show someone a video without shaking. ugh. BUT I'm almost to my lw this rel@pse

RIGHT??

just put my orange metamucil in popwell cream soda and changed the entire game

if I could fly, I doubt I'd even do it

will I ever stop trying to solve planet level fear with body level control? 😏

I feel too sensitive for this brutal system.

I don't have goals, I have dissociation fantasies 🤣 It’s not about a body, it's about erasure, control, disappearing safely, being untouchable, proving something, silence in my head, numbness, safety through reduction and WORTH through ABSENCE. fuck, though, can I just lose weight plz

hobbies feel pointless, the future feels hollow, my identity feels blurry and nothing feels tethered. everything feels either too much or nothing, my nervous system feels like static, my body feels foreign and my mind feels tired and loud at the same time. fuck.

if I had a band, it'd be named ✨out of pocket bullshit✨

restriction absolutely deepens depression physiologically.
low intake → low dopamine → low motivation → low drive → low reward → flat affect → anhedonia. the idea of “more energy” feels threatening, not hopeful. ugh.

✨existentially exhausted✨

istg 1200 feels like such a normal number of calories, like if normal people eat that and I'm eating that, I'm not actually restricting

I LOVE when my brain is like “Oh no. Danger. Better apologize for being alive.”

If I get to my ugw and I’m still miserable idk what I’m gonna do, and thinking about how I probably still will be miserable is making me sick. if losing weight doesn’t make it end what will

but also goddamn this process is slow. I swear it comes off fast in the beginning to trap u

since I've been eating more I've hit a new lw for this rel@pse so ... should've started there I guess 🤣

at my lowest (lol emotionally and weight wise) this relapse, and lowest since July 2023... we're so back

APPARENTLY being small doesn’t make you invisible to predators, it makes you less noticed by strangers. APPARENTLY that’s not the same thing. 😐🙄

do I want to lose fat at the cost of my life? uhhhh, yeah babes.

friendly reminder (for me): you can’t out-starve the world’s cruelty, you can’t out-avoid the political climate no matter how hard you try.

You are not worthless because you can’t starve yourself into invisibility.

My body is working for me, even while I’m scared of it. I'm scared shitless of it.

Bones are predictable. They don’t argue. They don’t surprise you. They don’t leave. I miss feeling contained. I miss clarity. I miss the quiet certainty that came from sharp edges.

can you tell I'm drinking ensure again 😂