Make a list of chores and do none of them.

Or do just one of them and congratulate yourself for the remaining 47.5 hours of the weekend.

Cory Booker blaming the voters...

Somebody needs to primary this guy.

...we had 2 thumbs on our primary hand and no thumbs on our secondary hand?

Yeah. That would be crazy.

+1 to CHA

"Its a relic from Pope Jake Paul the 13th."

"Yes. Wonderful. You can see its a tiny bit of his scalp with some hair still attached. A lovely example of an early relic. Very desirable."

If they're not becoming "expat" bros, its because they're afraid of commitment.

Ladies, take note.

Congratulations on your procrastinations.

That was the 1970s, disco horse.

And what do you know...

WH officials are unreliable.

Foreign countries need to speak for themselves.

Ceasefire with the US.

Did Bibi want a ceasefire too?
When did he say that?

I don't like the kids' new pig latin.

So, Pam Bondi?

This would just hasten the coming of CBDCs.

Which would then be immediately hacked, of course.

WarrenBuffet-Sell-Everything-meme.jpg

"This guy Jerry kept popping up in my feed. Eventually I just had to block him."

"Oh my god, me too."

"Yep, me too."

Probably shouldn't have been messing with that opium, Mickey.

Congress had a chance to roll it back. Trump owns this, but the current congress needs to pay a price too.

Jerry, no!

You're still allowed to grow a feathered mullet in the year 2026.

This is Lindsey's war. He wanted it so bad.

Spring ahead for daylight savings. But we're doing it on the doomsday clock this year.

There's about a 60 IQ point difference here.

Are the Padres and Mariners football teams now?

Its going to be this or getting audited by Grok, so pick your poison.

You chose the "damned if you don't" option. So this is what you get.

They let Raphael Cruz call himself "Ted".

Accidentally vegan.

It's FIFA peace. You're thinking of Nobel peace.

The word "very" will be used indiscriminately and without constraint.