Hot tip: With Florida banning all vaccines for kids, invest now in child-size coffin manufacturers. Gonna be a real money maker!

I get what Trump and MAGA want to do, but there’s got to be an easier way to translate “The Diary of Anne Frank” into Spanish. Which is a weird goal cause MAGA can’t even read!

We can say the word “retard” again because it’s no longer punching down: they’re the ones in power.

Kinda fitting if America’s Reichstag Fire is “Big Balls got attacked!”

Looks like it’s time to move Trump to a new parish.

With Trump and all the Republicans acting like giant babies, it’s unsurprising that they’re getting fucked by Epstein.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was a Doritos™ Locos Taco at the Taco Bell in Pacifica.

History shows us over and over that it won’t get better until it gets far far worse, so I’m glad it’s at least happening quickly.

I stopped observing the news, so I can’t be responsible for Schrödinger’s bombing of Iran.

If we want to destroy Iran, shouldn’t we just drop all the MAGA supporters on them?

They’re doing this because they hate properly seasoned food.

Not @theonion.com

Jon Allen - Vaccines

#vaccine #autism #trains #comedy #standupcomedy

Refusing to endanger their students by giving into the Trump administration’s illegal demands, Harvard has finally become a safety school.

Everything sucks; we can’t even put ketchup on the Pope anymore! Thanks a lot, Chicago.

Of course America is going to off-shore and outsource even our death camps. What happened to American pride? What happened to building American?

Joe Biden left the US economy so weak that it could be destroyed by just one man.

Even Susan Smith is like, “sheeeeesh, tone it down!”

Tomorrow, I give a 43 year-old bearded man a handjob. This is what my life decisions have led to.

Gauging interest: how many of you would contribute to a Patreon to support me in an attempt to live for a whole year off of only Hello Kitty branded products and services? I’ve found ramen and sake, I think I could do this…

Just curious, but why are the lawyers at the DOJ, and attorneys’s general offices, acting in bad faith to undermine the rule of law not disbarred by the various bar associations?

In all fairness, if the Department of Education had been working, there wouldn’t be any Trump supporters.

Trump supporters getting screwed by Trump should be a category on PornHub.

They need to make horse blinders for people with ADHD. Or give horses Adderall. Something.

Gonna be ironic if the only member of the Trump administration to be assassinated is RFK Jr.; Alanis gonna have to write a new lyric.

Happy 2685th birthday Japan; you don’t look a day over 1600!

At least it wasn’t one person’s fault; they can blame the entire team. #superbowl

This game is gonna save a lot of people in Philadelphia from angrily being beaten with socks full of batteries; they’ll be joyfully beaten. #superbowl

Is there a mercy rule in the NFL? #superbowl

I enjoy that Trump is having to sit through the halftime show. #superbowl