“It’s me, hi. I’m the poblano, it’s me.”
-peppers at a Taylor Swift-themed Mexican restaurant.

How do you think Dean felt when he read Rory’s book and discovered she kissed Tristan at the party the night after they broke up? 🤣 #showerthoughts

An apple a day keeps the Jesus away.

but have you tried spiraling *into* control?

Oh, this? It’s just my emotional support dumpster fire.

Yes, friend. It just chaps my ass.

Silver lining if you’re married, tbh. (Honey, if you’re reading this… I’m totally kidding, sort of.) 😉 😂

____ just said the craziest thing I’ve ever heard [in the last ten minutes.]

Becoming more and more convinced Handmaid’s Tale is based on a true story from the future.

I hate it when people

McAfee likes to announce, quite loudly might I add, when it stops a threat on my work PC. Quite similarly to my husband, when he places a single cup in the dishwasher.

I’m a total (Easter) basket case.

I’m actually pretty fucking proud of this one 🤣💖

Soooo the accidentally funny thing here is that the service could literally be called schitts creek

Sometimes I worry Cybertruck drivers can see the disgust written all over my face… Then I remember it’s ok bc they can’t read.

I’m sorry you got offended I gifted you hemorrhoid cream for our anniversary I was just concerned about you developing a 7 year itch.

How long is March Madness supposed to last? Mine usually goes, well, all year.

And listen

FiVe second rule?! IN THIS ECONOMY?

at this point, just mAcroplastic me, m’kay?

barista just called me “ma’am” three times so now my coffee tastes like mothballs

Ok, but do you pronounce it like “tomato” or “fuck you?”

*eats a grapefruit*

i laugh in the face of danger muahaha-

☠️

what about seizer salad bc if so i am totally down for that.

2026 is the “before” shot in paper towel commercials. That shit is falling all tf apart.

What if Hootie didn’t blow that fish?

“I look at myself, in the mirror, am I Vitameatavegamin today?” - Nelly Furtado, probably.

Movie idea: they are abducting celebrities who slightly resemble the pedo criminals. Jim Carrey is actually Jeff Epstein with a shitton of cosmetic surgery. Maxwell is now Bradley Cooper. It is up to Liam Neeson to rescue them all.

I may seem like I’ve got it together but deep down, and a little on the surface, I’m just weird Barbie.

I’m just a girl. Standing in front of a boy. Asking him to believe her when she says she did not realize she sent her 3 year old to school in a Snoop Dogg shirt with pot leaves on it. Her naive little self thought they were palm trees.