i know this is a little late but my resolution for 2026 is to only watch content made by creators dying of terminal illnesses

I just took a DNA test, and it turns out I'm 100% my own grandpa.

pretzels were invented by nostradamus when he was trying to show his friend that if you fold bread enough times it becomes a picture of the towers falling on 9/11

sometimes my uncle is like "but i'm not a teenager, i'm an uncle." the staff is like "ope, jesse's uncle is being weird again, better give him extra meds and take away his socks until he learns to be normal."

my uncle got one and they said "hey we think you might have the most interesting dreams." but it turns out he was just dreaming about government secrets so they put him in a group home for troubled teens.

a few years ago they started a program called the moonies which is like the oscars but for dreams. 1 in 100 americans got a special headband to wear at night to see who had the best dreams.

"I don't like small talk" says some guy who'd pay $50 to go to a nightclub and have a standup comedian ask him his name and what he does for a living.

sweet baby rays, sweet baby james
there was actually a lot of sweet babies before smallpox came along

teaching stray cats in the trailer court to dream about pointless math problems so i can use them to mine cryptocoin

remember the game red light green light?

we do a version of that with pissing

meet us at the gym

please don't tell me the party from the "house party" movies is the same party as the one in "eyes wide shut"

i will have a nervous breakdown

come to my house and crawl into the stinky barrel if you are ready to leave this incarnation for a new life of cheese

before they even start the next war they should have the president come out and declare victory in front of a banner that says "mission precomplished"

if you own a book store and you want me to shop at it then you should make a video where you humiliate and physically injure ryan holiday

honestly i was tired of the old jim carrey i'm glad they cloned him

I heard that the Scientologists removed Kubrick's brain after killing him and had it pressed onto golden disks. If you put them in a record player, you can hear his dying thoughts. Basically, Scientologists invented podcasting.

Every "professional" job I had fired me for closing inter-office emails with "Also, The Church of Scientology killed Stanley Kubrick."

Heard they made "Wuthering Heights" into a movie. That director should make more Bush songs into movies. "Glycerine" would be good.

anytime i see a clip of sam kinnison, i'm like "wow the pigeon lady from home alone is PISSED"

"What the hell is going on!?
The cruelest dream, reality."

These lyrics from the song "The Kids Aren't Alright" by The Offspring inspired Mark Frost & David Lynch to write "Twin Peaks: The Return".

Pretty crazy that Karlheinz Stockhausen invented ketchup AND electronic music.

"gotta take brainpills if you want to be pillbrained" - gen z psychiatrist

why go to therapy when you could pretend to understand deleuze and guattari instead

Yeah, Ingmar Bergman's The Seventh Seal is pretty good, the Final Destination had five sequels, so which one is a more compelling cinematic meditation on the denial of death?

millennials are like "i'm going to get a tattoo of my trauma"

the main character of traumnovelle is more of a papageno than a tamino if you know what i mean LOL SO HILARIOUS another brilliant joke jessebob

you know those movies where people go back in time to kill hitler? i'm writing one where carlos santana goes forward in time to kill himself before he can record "smooth" with rob thomas

MTV didn't get good until AFTER it stopped showing music videos.

Why would you watch music on TV when all the best songs are already on TikTok.

Yes, they're my favorite band. No, I won't stop calling them Nippleback.

I don't think jeggings go far enough. I want a 3-piece pajama suit so I can mix business with comfort.