Stampeding his panicked cattle herd through the desert, shooting indiscriminately at shadows, saguaros, and sagebrush while pursued by a huge floating skull with vampire teeth it suddenly dawned on Buck: Maybe peyote's not for everyone.
Wait…someone’s favorite Harrison Ford film is FRANTIC??
COWBOY: This is our last dance, Red Cloud. I...I gotta QUIT you! It's just too confusin'—
INDIAN: Oh, Buck...You're always so BINARY! ‘Am I sucker, or am I a lover?’ You think it's a choice, when it's really all the same thing! At least if you're doing it right.
So Hitler was born on 4/20? Imagine if someone had given him a gram of Purple Urkle or Island Sweet Skunk for his birthday in 1923? He might have only invaded Schnitzels-on-a-Stick.
HER: Okay, this isn't looking good, but I bet I can get in one more kickass reprise of "Somewhere That's Green" before Audrey II's powerful digestive enzymes dissolve my vocal chords...
HER: Marry me....or DIE!
HIM: Wow. So you're saying if I marry you I'll become immortal?
HER: Well, no.
HIM: Wait...so my choice is marry you or die, or marry you AND die?
HER: It's a timing thing.
HIM: Hm. Well you DO look like a young Agnes Moorehead...
HER: Thank you.
HIM: So I'll take death.
This gives me life
Damn...I was really counting on them to solve the Male Loneliness Epidemic.
Agreed!
GUY IN TENT: Bombo, I forgot to bring my Velveeta-and-human hot-dish for the Midwestern Cannibal Clown Comestibles Festival! Think I can pass this eggplant off as a penis hors d'oeuvre?
BOMBO: Don't worry, I brought a corpse to pass. And take all you want -- I'm making more!
Napster! There’s a real Dawn of the Oughts memory
They don't *look* like pirates...
Am I like Father? (GIGGLE) See? I'm smoking a cigarette! And I'm moody and dangerous when drinking! And I'm offering judgment but withholding love! AM I LIKE FATHER NOW, MOTHER??
I’m sorry, but THE FUCK…??
INSECT: You did the right thing, blowing up that Wal-Mart, Babs. That old geezer's greeting was BARELY sincere.
HER: (SIGH) Pinocchio gets a cricket for a conscience, but at least that bug has a moral compass. What do I get? A bloodthirsty Yellowjacket that dabbles in Satanism.
Woke up like this. Feelin' cute.
May delete later.
HER: Hey, Bob! I finally got this Zoom thing working, so we’re all set up for that conference call at—Uhhh, is this a bad time?
If you’re high, yeah.
Actually, I think this is the one in Vegas.
I’m a guest on the Retro Ridoctopus Cephalopodcast this week, where we talked about classic film, TV, and literary automata, and they were very tolerant of my weird robot theories.
thedorkeningpodcastnetwork.com/podcast/retr...
::looks at remains of Costco rotisserie chicken::
ME: Maybe I can scrape enough meat off this carcass to last one more night.
::later, staring at huge pile of flesh::
WIFE: Are you okay? Why are there tears in your eyes?
ME: This...(choking up)...was the Giving Tree of chickens.
An absolute cryin' shame.
"Do you know who I am? Do you know who MY FATHER is??"
To the outside world he was Korak, Son of Tarzan. But to the primates who had to deal with his entitled bullshit every day, he was known as "Jungle Don Jr".
😂
"That's him, Papa. That's the one I met at the roadhouse that night."
"No!
NOOOO!
Those scented decorative soaps are for GUESTS...!"
The Future is NOW! Washable, Reusable Prophylactics Come to India! (Assuming "now" is 1930)
American Medico introduces British Neverips! Commonly known as French Letters, these new condoms are sold under the brand name German Sausage Casings™. But we all knew them as Nancy.
So I’m at the airport shortly after dawn, wandering the terminals, when I reach the vending machines and find the noodle dispenser is filling the vast unpopulated space with music. So is this a Thing in Japan? Do all the vending machines—snacks, soda, soiled panties—have their own theme songs?
Same thing happened in California in the 70s
Kinda the beta version, huh
