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A green piranha, that deadly carnivorous Amazonian fish. I tell my grandson about the unholy trinity that I and every other kid in the pre-internet era were certain would eventually kill us: killer bees, quicksand, and of course, piranhas. Sharks and lava took fourth and fifth place, respectively. It was a simpler time. No reavers, no radhounds, no sludge. All my grandson says to me is, tell me about the internet again.

A green piranha, that deadly carnivorous Amazonian fish. I tell my grandson about the unholy trinity that I and every other kid in the pre-internet era were certain would eventually kill us: killer bees, quicksand, and of course, piranhas. Sharks and lava took fourth and fifth place, respectively. It was a simpler time. No reavers, no radhounds, no sludge. All my grandson says to me is, tell me about the internet again.

PIRANHA.BMF

2 weeks ago 28 4 0 1
The outline of a Ticonderoga-class guided missile cruiser, a warship in the U.S. Navy slowly being phased out. This particular ship was built at Bath Iron Works, a subsidiary of General Dynamics along the Kennebec River in Maine. In Operation Burnt Front, the ship shot down a rogue surveillance satellite (USA-193), and Evelyn has never been satisfied with either the justification or the final report of the mission. She suspects the full story was rendered permanently incomplete when the 5,000-pound satellite was destroyed by the RIM-161 SM-3 launched from the ship. A mysterious flu-like illness sent over two dozen sailors to the sickbay that day.

The outline of a Ticonderoga-class guided missile cruiser, a warship in the U.S. Navy slowly being phased out. This particular ship was built at Bath Iron Works, a subsidiary of General Dynamics along the Kennebec River in Maine. In Operation Burnt Front, the ship shot down a rogue surveillance satellite (USA-193), and Evelyn has never been satisfied with either the justification or the final report of the mission. She suspects the full story was rendered permanently incomplete when the 5,000-pound satellite was destroyed by the RIM-161 SM-3 launched from the ship. A mysterious flu-like illness sent over two dozen sailors to the sickbay that day.

TICON.BMF

2 weeks ago 12 3 0 1
An unlabeled map of the state of Indiana, an expanse of white bordered by a thin black line. Evelyn can tell you the numbers. Indiana has the most ghosts per capita. The most hauntings per square mile. More paranormal phenomena on the National Registry than the next five states combined. No one can explain why, but Evelyn has her theories.

An unlabeled map of the state of Indiana, an expanse of white bordered by a thin black line. Evelyn can tell you the numbers. Indiana has the most ghosts per capita. The most hauntings per square mile. More paranormal phenomena on the National Registry than the next five states combined. No one can explain why, but Evelyn has her theories.

INMAP.BMF

2 weeks ago 18 0 0 3
An outline map of Burkina Faso, with its largest city and capital, Ouagadougou, labelled. The former French colony was once known as the Republic of Upper Volta. In 1984 the revolutionary President Thomas Sankara changed the name to Burkina Faso. In 1987 Sankara was assassinated in a military coup d’état. There is no clipart in this collection of Sankara.

An outline map of Burkina Faso, with its largest city and capital, Ouagadougou, labelled. The former French colony was once known as the Republic of Upper Volta. In 1984 the revolutionary President Thomas Sankara changed the name to Burkina Faso. In 1987 Sankara was assassinated in a military coup d’état. There is no clipart in this collection of Sankara.

BURKIN_T.BMF

2 weeks ago 15 2 0 0
A map of the United States of America showing the borders of the fifty states. I came across a stack of these in an abandoned middle school outside Muscle Shoals. Without thinking, I grabbed them, stuffing the sheaf of xeroxed maps into my backpack. Now, without television, without internet, without power, I spend evenings annotating the maps, documenting all the changes I’ve seen over the years. For one, state borders are meaningless. But just as the old geography fades away, new places appear. The Savannah Exclusion Zone. Put-in-Bay Prison Colony. Reagan Free State, where Orange County used to be. The Burmese Python Line. The Sludge. I am a cartographer of disaster, working by firelight.

A map of the United States of America showing the borders of the fifty states. I came across a stack of these in an abandoned middle school outside Muscle Shoals. Without thinking, I grabbed them, stuffing the sheaf of xeroxed maps into my backpack. Now, without television, without internet, without power, I spend evenings annotating the maps, documenting all the changes I’ve seen over the years. For one, state borders are meaningless. But just as the old geography fades away, new places appear. The Savannah Exclusion Zone. Put-in-Bay Prison Colony. Reagan Free State, where Orange County used to be. The Burmese Python Line. The Sludge. I am a cartographer of disaster, working by firelight.

USAFLAT.BMF

2 weeks ago 16 1 0 0
A logic probe, a small device used to test the logic states of digital circuits. Mattie taps the needle-like head of the probe to a small chip inside an old Coleco handheld football game. The probe’s red light would indicate a 1 in the binary state of the chip, while a green light would mean the binary state is 0. Mattie’s hacking the Electronic Quarterback game with a bit of solder and rewiring. She won’t stop until any and all circuits in the game throw off a yellow light on the probe, meaning the circuit is rapidly flip-flopping between binary states. Which in Mattie’s mind is itself a valid state of being.

A logic probe, a small device used to test the logic states of digital circuits. Mattie taps the needle-like head of the probe to a small chip inside an old Coleco handheld football game. The probe’s red light would indicate a 1 in the binary state of the chip, while a green light would mean the binary state is 0. Mattie’s hacking the Electronic Quarterback game with a bit of solder and rewiring. She won’t stop until any and all circuits in the game throw off a yellow light on the probe, meaning the circuit is rapidly flip-flopping between binary states. Which in Mattie’s mind is itself a valid state of being.

LOGIPROB.BMF

2 weeks ago 16 0 0 0
A warning sign indicating the presence of flammable material. I saw the sign on the tall fence surrounding the giant airdock in Akron. My grandson asks what the hangar was for and I tell him about airships, zeppelins, blimps. For some reason, he finds it easier to believe in airplanes than blimps. Airplanes sound like science. Airships sound like magic. The weathered airdock looms before us, gray and ominous, and broken.

A warning sign indicating the presence of flammable material. I saw the sign on the tall fence surrounding the giant airdock in Akron. My grandson asks what the hangar was for and I tell him about airships, zeppelins, blimps. For some reason, he finds it easier to believe in airplanes than blimps. Airplanes sound like science. Airships sound like magic. The weathered airdock looms before us, gray and ominous, and broken.

SIGN137.BMF

2 weeks ago 20 0 0 1
The silhouette of a soldier in Northumberland looking at the woods to the west, his M-16 assault rifle positioned at 10 o’clock. There’s something there. Under his helmet and heavy field jacket his skin prickles. The hairs on his neck stand on end. Shivering, he waves the rifle and his finger tightens on the trigger. Who’s there, he shouts. A cackle rises from the dark woods, jagged and piercing. When something does emerge from the woods, it’s a blur, a shimmering force radiating fecundity and malevolence. The force knocks the soldier to the earth before he can react. The rifle flies from his hand and his teeth fly from his mouth, thirty-two white stones spinning in the air only to disappear an instant later. The soldier nearly blacks out in pain and only vaguely hears another cackle recede deep into the woods to the west.

The silhouette of a soldier in Northumberland looking at the woods to the west, his M-16 assault rifle positioned at 10 o’clock. There’s something there. Under his helmet and heavy field jacket his skin prickles. The hairs on his neck stand on end. Shivering, he waves the rifle and his finger tightens on the trigger. Who’s there, he shouts. A cackle rises from the dark woods, jagged and piercing. When something does emerge from the woods, it’s a blur, a shimmering force radiating fecundity and malevolence. The force knocks the soldier to the earth before he can react. The rifle flies from his hand and his teeth fly from his mouth, thirty-two white stones spinning in the air only to disappear an instant later. The soldier nearly blacks out in pain and only vaguely hears another cackle recede deep into the woods to the west.

ARMY379.BMF

2 weeks ago 15 1 3 0
The shoulder sleeve insignia of the Third U.S. Army Command, now known as the U.S. Army Central Command. The insignia shows a white capital letter A inside a red circle, all on a field of blue. The Third Army was famously under the command of General Patton in World War II. Today the Third Army is based at Shaw Air Force Base in South Carolina. Tomorrow—and if not tomorrow, then tomorrow’s tomorrow—the Third Army will be headquartered nowhere but the dreams of a butterfly dreaming it is a man dreaming of war.

The shoulder sleeve insignia of the Third U.S. Army Command, now known as the U.S. Army Central Command. The insignia shows a white capital letter A inside a red circle, all on a field of blue. The Third Army was famously under the command of General Patton in World War II. Today the Third Army is based at Shaw Air Force Base in South Carolina. Tomorrow—and if not tomorrow, then tomorrow’s tomorrow—the Third Army will be headquartered nowhere but the dreams of a butterfly dreaming it is a man dreaming of war.

3USARMS1.BMF

2 weeks ago 9 0 0 0
An overhead view of a General Dynamics F-111 supersonic jet. The Aardvark—as it was known—featured variable wings that could sweep back to increase speed during aerial combat or sweep forward to increase stability during low altitude bombing missions in heavy weather. The U.S. Air Force began flying the F-111 in the later years of the Vietnam War, with occasional excursions into Laos and Cambodia. A retired senior airman named John sits in his basement workshop in 2021, assembling a 1/48 scale model of the F-111. The project is damn near impossible, given his cataracts and trembling hands. He glances up at the flatscreen TV mounted over his workbench. The camera shows live footage of dozens of men in red baseball caps scaling a wall at the U.S. Capitol.

An overhead view of a General Dynamics F-111 supersonic jet. The Aardvark—as it was known—featured variable wings that could sweep back to increase speed during aerial combat or sweep forward to increase stability during low altitude bombing missions in heavy weather. The U.S. Air Force began flying the F-111 in the later years of the Vietnam War, with occasional excursions into Laos and Cambodia. A retired senior airman named John sits in his basement workshop in 2021, assembling a 1/48 scale model of the F-111. The project is damn near impossible, given his cataracts and trembling hands. He glances up at the flatscreen TV mounted over his workbench. The camera shows live footage of dozens of men in red baseball caps scaling a wall at the U.S. Capitol.

F111_T.BMF

2 weeks ago 17 0 0 0
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A large fiery orange squid, its human-like eye staring through the surmersible’s porthole, directly, it seems, into the ashen face of the marine biologist looking out. How large? The biologist does some quick calculations. The eye is the size of a manhole. The tentacles must reach 50 feet or more. The entire beast probably weighs two tons, surely the largest squid ever recorded. If only the marine biologist had lived to record it.

A large fiery orange squid, its human-like eye staring through the surmersible’s porthole, directly, it seems, into the ashen face of the marine biologist looking out. How large? The biologist does some quick calculations. The eye is the size of a manhole. The tentacles must reach 50 feet or more. The entire beast probably weighs two tons, surely the largest squid ever recorded. If only the marine biologist had lived to record it.

OCTOPUS1.BMF

2 weeks ago 31 4 1 1
The insignia of the U.S. Naval Underwater Systems Center (NUSC) in New London, Connecticut. The NUSC in New London is the Navy’s premiere R&D outfit, focusing primarily on underwater acoustics. In the 1970s, NUSC scientists pioneered the use of Extremely Low Frequency (ELF) radio transceivers to transmit and receive subradio frequencies, which can travel indefinitely through sea water. Theoretically every sound ever emitted in the ocean remains in circulation. One need only an ELF transceiver to pick up the signal. NUSC researchers have reported, in documents that remain Top Secret, picking up the vestigial cries of men, women, and children drowned at sea hundreds of years ago, their final frantic shouts undying underwater for all eternity. There’s a seahorse in the center of the NUSC insignia.

The insignia of the U.S. Naval Underwater Systems Center (NUSC) in New London, Connecticut. The NUSC in New London is the Navy’s premiere R&D outfit, focusing primarily on underwater acoustics. In the 1970s, NUSC scientists pioneered the use of Extremely Low Frequency (ELF) radio transceivers to transmit and receive subradio frequencies, which can travel indefinitely through sea water. Theoretically every sound ever emitted in the ocean remains in circulation. One need only an ELF transceiver to pick up the signal. NUSC researchers have reported, in documents that remain Top Secret, picking up the vestigial cries of men, women, and children drowned at sea hundreds of years ago, their final frantic shouts undying underwater for all eternity. There’s a seahorse in the center of the NUSC insignia.

NUSC1.BMF

2 weeks ago 15 0 0 0
A black and white illustration of a young boy hugging a puppy. This is Dr. Slife’s 5-year-old son. He’s already lost 3 or 4 baby teeth, for which the Tooth Fairy has compensated him quite handsomely. In thirteen years the boy will have turned into a broad-chested young man, the pride of family and friends. The dog will be old, so very old, its muzzle solid white. The young man will carry the dog upstairs at night so it can sleep beside him, cradling the skinny old thing and whispering to it, You’re a good girl, yes, you’re a good girl. Dr. Slife will have been disappeared a decade now.

A black and white illustration of a young boy hugging a puppy. This is Dr. Slife’s 5-year-old son. He’s already lost 3 or 4 baby teeth, for which the Tooth Fairy has compensated him quite handsomely. In thirteen years the boy will have turned into a broad-chested young man, the pride of family and friends. The dog will be old, so very old, its muzzle solid white. The young man will carry the dog upstairs at night so it can sleep beside him, cradling the skinny old thing and whispering to it, You’re a good girl, yes, you’re a good girl. Dr. Slife will have been disappeared a decade now.

BOYDOG.BMF

2 weeks ago 26 4 2 0
A color portrait of drummer, singer, Genesis frontman, and Top 40 solo artist Phil Collins, circa 1990. Special Operative Yìchén sees the image and can’t help himself. He’s suddenly air drumming the 10-note tom-tom fill from “In the Air Tonight.” His director at the Eleventh Bureau shoots Yìchén a stern look from beyond the cubicle.

A color portrait of drummer, singer, Genesis frontman, and Top 40 solo artist Phil Collins, circa 1990. Special Operative Yìchén sees the image and can’t help himself. He’s suddenly air drumming the 10-note tom-tom fill from “In the Air Tonight.” His director at the Eleventh Bureau shoots Yìchén a stern look from beyond the cubicle.

COLLINP1.BMF

2 weeks ago 246 54 4 12
A ring type wire connector. The stripped end of an insulated wire fits into the clamp, which is crimped tight around the wire. Then the O ring is fastened to a terminal connection. Anderson, I won’t go into any more details here. Have Cindy or one of your other associates locate a copy of the Anarchists Cookbook. Everything you need to know to get started is in there. - GB

A ring type wire connector. The stripped end of an insulated wire fits into the clamp, which is crimped tight around the wire. Then the O ring is fastened to a terminal connection. Anderson, I won’t go into any more details here. Have Cindy or one of your other associates locate a copy of the Anarchists Cookbook. Everything you need to know to get started is in there. - GB

WIRECON2.BMF

2 weeks ago 23 3 0 2
The viewport of a periscope on an U.S. Navy Ohio-class submarine. The OOD is having his dance with the one-eyed lady, slowly rotating the scope 360 degrees. Nothing there. He swivels it around another time. Nothing there. One more time, just to be sure. Nothing the—wait, there’s movement. There—just above the surface of the silky sea. He squints into the scope. He sees it again and gasps. There, above the sea and silhouetted against the cloud-scudded sky throbs a billowing plume of blackness. He orders the submarine to dive, but it’s a command issued too late.

The viewport of a periscope on an U.S. Navy Ohio-class submarine. The OOD is having his dance with the one-eyed lady, slowly rotating the scope 360 degrees. Nothing there. He swivels it around another time. Nothing there. One more time, just to be sure. Nothing the—wait, there’s movement. There—just above the surface of the silky sea. He squints into the scope. He sees it again and gasps. There, above the sea and silhouetted against the cloud-scudded sky throbs a billowing plume of blackness. He orders the submarine to dive, but it’s a command issued too late.

PERISCPE.BMF

2 weeks ago 11 0 0 0
A roseate spoonbill, a long-legged wading bird found in southern North America and South America. Once hunted nearly to extinction for its vibrant plumage—which would adorn women’s hats in the late 19th and early 20th centuries—the roseate spoonbill is now thriving and its range expanding, thanks in large part to climate change. The day will come when it will not be unusual to spot this semitropical bird in Cleveland, Detroit, Chicago, and the other cities bordering the Great Swamps.

A roseate spoonbill, a long-legged wading bird found in southern North America and South America. Once hunted nearly to extinction for its vibrant plumage—which would adorn women’s hats in the late 19th and early 20th centuries—the roseate spoonbill is now thriving and its range expanding, thanks in large part to climate change. The day will come when it will not be unusual to spot this semitropical bird in Cleveland, Detroit, Chicago, and the other cities bordering the Great Swamps.

SPONBILL.BMF

2 weeks ago 24 5 0 0
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A cartoonish illustration of a bull wearing a bow tie, top hat, and white cuffs with cuff links. Next to the bull is a suitcase full of money. Obviously, the bull symbolizes the stock market. Less obviously, the cross-eyed expression on the bull symbolizes the nascent brain hemorrhaging that in a moment will take the bull to the ground, twitching in the dust in the arena of capitalism.

A cartoonish illustration of a bull wearing a bow tie, top hat, and white cuffs with cuff links. Next to the bull is a suitcase full of money. Obviously, the bull symbolizes the stock market. Less obviously, the cross-eyed expression on the bull symbolizes the nascent brain hemorrhaging that in a moment will take the bull to the ground, twitching in the dust in the arena of capitalism.

BULL.BMF

2 weeks ago 25 3 0 0
A line drawing of a geometric pattern. A four-pointed star, like a compass rose, sits in the center. The apex of an isosceles triangle touches the tip of each point on the center star. The negative space in between the star and the four triangles forms a giant X. I’d tell my grandson how the pattern reminds me of the Moorish mosaics in the Alhambra, but that’d result in too many questions I can’t answer. I doubt the Alhambra still stands anyway. Instead, I tell him the truth, how in the early years of The Sludge, drifters would spraypaint this pattern on infected buildings, a perversely baroque Keep Out sign that also said we can still make beautiful things.

A line drawing of a geometric pattern. A four-pointed star, like a compass rose, sits in the center. The apex of an isosceles triangle touches the tip of each point on the center star. The negative space in between the star and the four triangles forms a giant X. I’d tell my grandson how the pattern reminds me of the Moorish mosaics in the Alhambra, but that’d result in too many questions I can’t answer. I doubt the Alhambra still stands anyway. Instead, I tell him the truth, how in the early years of The Sludge, drifters would spraypaint this pattern on infected buildings, a perversely baroque Keep Out sign that also said we can still make beautiful things.

ICON063.BMF

2 weeks ago 16 1 0 0
A blue sign indicating handicap restrooms. Evelyn rolls in, but of course the handicap stall is occupied. A few minutes pass, and finally a middle-aged white lady walks out. She looks startled when she sees Evelyn waiting outside the stall. Oh, I didn’t know you were here, she says to Evelyn. She waves her hand uncomfortably at the wheelchair, mumbling something else. Nobody ever knows Evelyn is there. It’s like magic. As soon as she sits in her chair, she disappears. Well, sorry to be here, but I am, Evelyn snaps at the woman and rolls into the stall.

A blue sign indicating handicap restrooms. Evelyn rolls in, but of course the handicap stall is occupied. A few minutes pass, and finally a middle-aged white lady walks out. She looks startled when she sees Evelyn waiting outside the stall. Oh, I didn’t know you were here, she says to Evelyn. She waves her hand uncomfortably at the wheelchair, mumbling something else. Nobody ever knows Evelyn is there. It’s like magic. As soon as she sits in her chair, she disappears. Well, sorry to be here, but I am, Evelyn snaps at the woman and rolls into the stall.

SIGN098.BMF

2 weeks ago 13 0 1 0
A cardboard bucket overflowing with movie popcorn. It’s date night, and Lou and Dianne are at the multiplex to see a thriller getting more buzz than usual. Something called “Silence of the Lambs.” Neither know what to expect. By the time the serial killer Buffalo Bill is stalking Jodie Foster’s Clarice Starling with night vision goggles in his vast basement, Lou and Dianne are gripping each other tightly, terrified in the dark along with Clarice.

A cardboard bucket overflowing with movie popcorn. It’s date night, and Lou and Dianne are at the multiplex to see a thriller getting more buzz than usual. Something called “Silence of the Lambs.” Neither know what to expect. By the time the serial killer Buffalo Bill is stalking Jodie Foster’s Clarice Starling with night vision goggles in his vast basement, Lou and Dianne are gripping each other tightly, terrified in the dark along with Clarice.

POPCORN.BMF

2 weeks ago 17 4 0 0
A mountain goat on a rocky outcropping, its white shaggy coat as blinding as snow. Years ago Jack stumbled on a mountain goat during a long hike outside Aspen. As Jack watched the startled beast clamber away, he thought about cloven hooves and horns, satyrs and Dionysus, the cults of revelry and ecstasy that wait outside the well-appointed gates of modernity.

A mountain goat on a rocky outcropping, its white shaggy coat as blinding as snow. Years ago Jack stumbled on a mountain goat during a long hike outside Aspen. As Jack watched the startled beast clamber away, he thought about cloven hooves and horns, satyrs and Dionysus, the cults of revelry and ecstasy that wait outside the well-appointed gates of modernity.

MOUNTAIN.BMF

2 weeks ago 40 12 3 3
A garishly dressed American tourist on a Hawaiian beach, about to be pummeled by an enormous wave. The man will laugh about it, post some pics, and take a long hot bath afterward in his hotel, followed by a lūʻau. Kailani cleans his room while he’s out, replacing all his plush white cotton towels. She turns down his bed, places a chocolate mint on his pillow, and does the same in dozens of more rooms. Later, back in the apartment she shares with four roommates, Kailani collapses on the couch. She takes a long sip of water, bottled because the tap water stinks of jet fuel and makes her sick.

A garishly dressed American tourist on a Hawaiian beach, about to be pummeled by an enormous wave. The man will laugh about it, post some pics, and take a long hot bath afterward in his hotel, followed by a lūʻau. Kailani cleans his room while he’s out, replacing all his plush white cotton towels. She turns down his bed, places a chocolate mint on his pillow, and does the same in dozens of more rooms. Later, back in the apartment she shares with four roommates, Kailani collapses on the couch. She takes a long sip of water, bottled because the tap water stinks of jet fuel and makes her sick.

TOURIST.BMF

2 weeks ago 26 3 0 0
The silhouette of the USS Coontz, a guided missile destroyer. Launched from Puget Sound in 1957 and sold for scrap in 1994, the frigate remains the only vessel in the U.S. Navy with confirmed ghost sightings on board. In 1979 an elite team of naval ghosthunters known as the Shade Corps established a perimeter around the signalman’s shelter on the lower bridge, commonly agreed by the crew to be the most haunted place on the Coontz. Seven of the ten EMF meters used by the Shade Corps blew out shortly after midnight on August 18. The oscilloscope screens of the three remaining meters had the same faint image permanently burned into their displays. The glowing outline a child kneeling in prayer.

The silhouette of the USS Coontz, a guided missile destroyer. Launched from Puget Sound in 1957 and sold for scrap in 1994, the frigate remains the only vessel in the U.S. Navy with confirmed ghost sightings on board. In 1979 an elite team of naval ghosthunters known as the Shade Corps established a perimeter around the signalman’s shelter on the lower bridge, commonly agreed by the crew to be the most haunted place on the Coontz. Seven of the ten EMF meters used by the Shade Corps blew out shortly after midnight on August 18. The oscilloscope screens of the three remaining meters had the same faint image permanently burned into their displays. The glowing outline a child kneeling in prayer.

CNTZBLK.BMF

2 weeks ago 12 0 0 0
A Soviet-era Mikoyan MiG-29 fighter jet, wheels down, as if on a runway. The aircraft looked so beautiful, Михаил recalls, sitting on the airfield waiting for him. Before he wiggled his way into the cockpit he had received a text from his mother. Misha, she wrote, for the Glory of Russia. He texted back a single emoji. 💩

A Soviet-era Mikoyan MiG-29 fighter jet, wheels down, as if on a runway. The aircraft looked so beautiful, Михаил recalls, sitting on the airfield waiting for him. Before he wiggled his way into the cockpit he had received a text from his mother. Misha, she wrote, for the Glory of Russia. He texted back a single emoji. 💩

MIG29.BMF

2 weeks ago 9 0 0 0
A color portrait of British-French billionaire and corporate raider Sir James Goldsmith. A ruthless financier, Goldsmith amassed a fortune, three simultaneous families, and estates across the globe before he died of a heart attack at age 64 in 1997. Of course, when Father John was browsing through clipart on the rectory computer one dreary Monday night in 1995, he had no idea that Goldsmith was not long for this world. Instead, Father John contemplated the look in Goldsmith’s eyes. The look said: I am going to buy you. The look said: I am going to bury you. Father John took a drink and jabbed a shaky finger at the monitor. The hell you are, Father John slurred. It came out as: ahelloooeeer.

A color portrait of British-French billionaire and corporate raider Sir James Goldsmith. A ruthless financier, Goldsmith amassed a fortune, three simultaneous families, and estates across the globe before he died of a heart attack at age 64 in 1997. Of course, when Father John was browsing through clipart on the rectory computer one dreary Monday night in 1995, he had no idea that Goldsmith was not long for this world. Instead, Father John contemplated the look in Goldsmith’s eyes. The look said: I am going to buy you. The look said: I am going to bury you. Father John took a drink and jabbed a shaky finger at the monitor. The hell you are, Father John slurred. It came out as: ahelloooeeer.

GOLDSMI1.BMF

2 weeks ago 71 1 2 5
A portrait of Warren Buffett, American business magnate and investor. He's portrayed as a late middle-aged man with glasses, wearing a dark suit and tie.

A portrait of Warren Buffett, American business magnate and investor. He's portrayed as a late middle-aged man with glasses, wearing a dark suit and tie.

BUFFET1.BMF

2 weeks ago 6 0 2 1
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A cartoon of an older woman, hair in rollers. Her mouth is open, as if scolding someone. Patrick ‘Dutch’ Dugan, legal counsel of Ralston Purina, is of two minds about this NAG.BMF clipart. On one hand, it’s a misogynistic stereotype. On the other, it does look an awfully a lot like his first landlord out of college. Could Corel have been surveilling him even back then? Dutch files the image in the Corel Files, his after-hours pet project.

A cartoon of an older woman, hair in rollers. Her mouth is open, as if scolding someone. Patrick ‘Dutch’ Dugan, legal counsel of Ralston Purina, is of two minds about this NAG.BMF clipart. On one hand, it’s a misogynistic stereotype. On the other, it does look an awfully a lot like his first landlord out of college. Could Corel have been surveilling him even back then? Dutch files the image in the Corel Files, his after-hours pet project.

NAG.BMF

2 weeks ago 14 0 0 1
The arms of the St Cleere family of St Osyth, Essex. It shows a radiant yellow sun on an azure field. The St Cleere family goes back centuries in St Osyth. They were there in 1582 when a woman named Ursula Kemp was tried for witchcraft. Myles St Cleere was the interrogator in the case, in fact. Myles learned from Ursula, upon applying interrogation techniques both subtle and bold, that the witch possessed four familiars—animals whose spirits the witch harnessed to carry out her will. These familiars were: Tyffin, a grey cat; Tyttey, a white lamb; Pygine, a black toad; and Jacke, a black cat. The witch was found guilty and hanged. Her familiars scattered into the surrounding forest and still today it is said that at dusk one might see a white lamb walking among the oaks, a pair of mewling cats at her feet. About the toad, Pygine, the less said the better.

The arms of the St Cleere family of St Osyth, Essex. It shows a radiant yellow sun on an azure field. The St Cleere family goes back centuries in St Osyth. They were there in 1582 when a woman named Ursula Kemp was tried for witchcraft. Myles St Cleere was the interrogator in the case, in fact. Myles learned from Ursula, upon applying interrogation techniques both subtle and bold, that the witch possessed four familiars—animals whose spirits the witch harnessed to carry out her will. These familiars were: Tyffin, a grey cat; Tyttey, a white lamb; Pygine, a black toad; and Jacke, a black cat. The witch was found guilty and hanged. Her familiars scattered into the surrounding forest and still today it is said that at dusk one might see a white lamb walking among the oaks, a pair of mewling cats at her feet. About the toad, Pygine, the less said the better.

PLATE41.BMF

2 weeks ago 21 1 0 0
A black and yellow striped fish, its dorsal and tail fins tinted red. It’s just a fish. There’s absolutely nothing unique about it. It’s utterly unremarkable. It’s not from the future. It’s not a mutant. It doesn’t kill people. It’s not haunted. If it were caught, it wouldn’t talk or sprout tentacles or gush black goo from its mouth. No human will ever even see this fish. Not Red or Rod or Ann or Samantha or Aaron or Cindy or Evelyn or Lou or Dianne or Mattie or Dutch or Phil or Christine or any of them. The striped fish goes on about its fishy business of being a fish and swims away, through the water and out of this story.

A black and yellow striped fish, its dorsal and tail fins tinted red. It’s just a fish. There’s absolutely nothing unique about it. It’s utterly unremarkable. It’s not from the future. It’s not a mutant. It doesn’t kill people. It’s not haunted. If it were caught, it wouldn’t talk or sprout tentacles or gush black goo from its mouth. No human will ever even see this fish. Not Red or Rod or Ann or Samantha or Aaron or Cindy or Evelyn or Lou or Dianne or Mattie or Dutch or Phil or Christine or any of them. The striped fish goes on about its fishy business of being a fish and swims away, through the water and out of this story.

STRIPED.BMF

2 weeks ago 22 3 0 1