Oh no, the feature that mistook my wife’s lunchbox for a small dog? Whatever will I do?

I love when Alexa gaslights me into thinking I didn’t set a timer.

I had a dream that I was on an Olympic three-legged speed skating team.

Dear IOC,

I have an idea for the 2030 Winter Olympics....

Limon needs to get off my property.

That line kills me every single time.

A. Ring’s AI feature is dumb.
B. It was a ball, not a lemon.
C. What would I do it it actually was a lemon? Protect my family from Vitamin C? Prepare for an unprovoked citrus attack?

😂😂😂

Why is CNN making me feel like I'll be shot point blank by a gas pump?

Sung like Whitney Houston

Wife, trying to schedule an oil change: Do I have 4-cylinders or 6-cylinders?
Me, who knows zero about cars: Just split the difference and say 5.

Yeah, this one miiiight have been a VO audition file. 😂😂😂

Anyone else misspell their own last name today?

Pretty cool he took time away from tormenting Dick Tracy to grant an interview.

Just played everyone’s favorite game: “Find Your AirPod in 10 Inches of Snow.”

#WWEUnreal

Just took such a hard nap that I'm not sure I wasn't clinically dead for a half hour.

Smooth #arcraiders

My gift wrapping ability is a lot like my improv shows...

Sometimes hilarious and no two experiences are ever the same.

I move to officially declare December 22 “Christmas Threeve.”

Calling my shot on this one. #voiceover #IYKYK

I didn’t realize missing bedtime was an obstacle to overcome.

I mean with such a personalized outreach, how can I possibly say no?

"The slow clap scene from Cool Runnings."

“What’s your greatest weakness?” Hate. This. Question.

“I’m not trying to criticize him, but there’s student driver, and this guy was like a…”

Last I checked, burning is painful.

Oh this last name of mine…

Let me think about this one…

Legit…that is the actual best idea.