Do horses want cake? We conducted an investigation into statements published by @bencollins.bsky.social in the print edition of @theonion.com.

They’re deploying ICE to the wings of planes like the gremlin in that twilight zone episode

This is exactly right. The Onion quietly left Twitter a month ago and... our weekly subscribers went up. It's because we're doing well here, on Instagram and on YouTube.

As a business, being on Twitter is somewhere between useless or detrimental, unless you're selling boner pills.

gnocchi is just penne in its larval stage

The best choice I ever made in my life was being wasian

I’m descending into hell—does anybody need anything?

where I can buy tickets?

Rewatching the bad bunny halftime show & I noticed this on his chest: the numbers “6” and “4”.

What he’s wearing is called a “football jersey”. It’s a subtle nod to the theme of the event—“football”.

[holding a gun to my own head]: so listen, I have tea…

I don’t use bluesky much these days but I’m logging in here to say fuck ICE perpetually

that feel when the interests of a refugee population line up with billionaires who want to extract resources from their home country ❤️

At least we can trust our mainstream media outlets to report what’s happening in Venezuela accurately

today’s date is giving counting

any day now I’m going to save the New York indie rock scene

hmm. have you tried solving the problem with chili crisp

I just noticed a hilarious detail 😆 #ObservationalHumor

I know what I’m having for breakfast tomorrow

What’s frustrating about this Epstein file release is it’s clearly just a distraction to keep people from talking about Luke Moran

Stuffing a bird feeder full of baby rabbits & voles for the birds of prey

It’s so important to be Luke Moran ❤️

I lowkey think Luke Moran ate by becoming Luke Moran. who agrees?

There’s something so interesting about Luke Moran

Where my Minnesota followers at?

they took that venezuelan oil tanker for me. I asked for it. sorry 😔

Humans invented storytelling to communicate the key value propositions of brands

doing the work and being a good ally today (cranking it to pictures of female CEOs)

You don’t need Listerine to kill the bacteria the cause bad breath. I could do that. Nobody asked me.

842,000 Americans died from overdoses in the last 25 years, 500,000 from opioids. If we’re hunting narco-terrorists we can probably stop blowing up fishing boats and start blowing up boardrooms.

Dreamed I got a chastising message at work that said, “You should know the names of all the Muppets,” and someone stuck up for me, saying, “I don’t think this one has a name,” and they attached a picture of like a white Gonzo with no eyes