the thing with beverly hills ninja is you can make a fish out of water movie about a ninja in beverly hills or you can make a fish out of water movie about chris farley as a ninja but that movie is somehow both and neither of those things
priest: ok and does anyone have objections about the wedding
i will do better
Headline: This Is Not a Man in Control of Himself
i'm sorry but with everything going on in the world why is the new york times writing op-eds about mr bean
After a nice, long run at Funny Or Die I am now available for work! - Staff Writer In Your Comedy Room - Social Media - Branded Content - Copywriting - Bodyguard for your kid like in Drillbit Taylor (2008) Email me at benrosen88@gmail.com
hey is anyone hiring
wife: did you forget to get eggs?
me: uhh no i looked but they were out
wife: *immediately taps head for ABS review*
After a nice, long run at Funny Or Die I am now available for work! - Staff Writer In Your Comedy Room - Social Media - Branded Content - Copywriting - Bodyguard for your kid like in Drillbit Taylor (2008) Email me at benrosen88@gmail.com
hey is anyone hiring
me: if there was a potato march madness i think tater tots would be like a 13 seed that made it to the elite eight
doctor: sir i asked if you wanted to cut the umbilical cord.. but damn now you got me thinking about this tournament
oscar night always makes me so proud to live in this wonderful place full of artists and dreamers (roku city)
just made enough money to retire on my "anna wintour publicly says the word frankenstein" bet
if you don’t think tonight is when hollywood’s biggest stars come out to shine, eat shit and go fuck yourself
*removing earring* shall i put on the cantina band, calista flockhart
shaggy: picture this we were both butt naked bangin on the bathroom floor
chotiner: sure. go on
🚨i’ve seen enough out of texas
the stars at night are big AND bright
5 year olds today: i have every piece of media i could ever want to consume, on demand at all times, designed specifically for my likes and interests
5 year old me: i guess i have to listen to the crash test dummies
the location of the 2030 Olympics reading “French Alps, Nice”
me when i see the french alps
whenever people are mad at her I assume it’s about that video
i’m so sorry we couldn’t keep you safe from this
elmo should not be collaborating with blippi. it’s like when they make paul mccartney perform with jelly roll at the grammys. this is beneath you elmo
anyone: love is good :) we should all be friends :)
republicans: why the fuck is this guy attacking me
WINTER OLYMPIC ATHLETE: *does the most impressive and dangerous athletic maneuver I have ever seen in my life*
COMMENTATOR: oooh she has to be disappointed with that run. if she commits self harm we would all understand
sounds like me and my wife. i want some and i get zero. but seriously
hate to hurt a good friend but that’s business
now this is the everything app
my wife loves me because i’m handsome. yeah i handsome money to her to go shopping. folks
*guy who has the wrong takeaway from the epstein files* he was doing email too much. thats too much screentime
every epstein email exchange is like
TENURED PROFESSOR: jeffrey,, another wonderful trip with your "friend's" . i hope to visit your wild wild island aggain soon. your life is a delicilous secret :)
JEFFREY EPSTEIN: yes
george: jerry, i'm going to the bone temple!
jerry: bone temple?
george: bone temple!
elaine: a guy took me to the bone temple once....he wasn't exactly samson
kramer: *bursts into apartment, infected*
why is everyone randomly talking about 2016, that was 3 to 6 years ago
the problem with an untrained secret police squad that shoots people in their cars isn’t that they’re untrained
more training, more money, better people - these ideas won’t fix anything. the only way to put an end to this ongoing national embarrassment is to abolish the new york jets