For those of you who think Autistics are as cold and unfeeling as media paints us out to be, I just dropped my donut on the sidewalk and became so overcome with grief that I cried like a little bitch

Stocks rise on news that most of the ill effects of the war will fall on poor people.

I'm sad and want everybody else to be sad too

- first guy to make cauliflower rice

I hope this email finds you at the bottom of a well, thinking about your wife, Kumiko, and pondering your life's purpose

astronauts: *lost contact with earth for 40 minutes*
me: jealous

when i become mayor your penis will not dissappear inside of your balls whenever you sit down . That will not happen anymore

in 1992 i took back the night and i still have it if anybody needs some

they should make a type of logging off that is equivalent to slamming down an old phone handset after hanging up on someone

the bones of my enemies broke my juicer

Just taking a break from Pornhub to say thank you! 😊

I have so much respect for moths after learning this.

Coop from Interstellar piloting a spaceship and saying "This little maneuver is gonna cost us 51 years"

your grandparents voting for reagan

i like to assign a numerical value to the orgasms i get from my sex toys . vibe rater , is what im saying

[frantically waving to person in the time machine] WAIT WAIT WAIT WE FOUND A WORSE GUY

The stuff they put inside neon is actually the little pieces of me, my youth, my innocence, all of the essence of me that oozes from the pinpricks of razor thorns on vines that hold back the memories of the people who have failed me, used me… want to learn more? Get visited by me playing 3 ghosts!

Ever masturbate and have an orgasm so sad and disappointing that you slapped your own genitals with a glove and shouted: "I demand satisfaction, Mr. Beauregarde! I hitherto demand pistols at sunrise!"

[writing in diary with troubled look on face] once again, insane shit is happening all over the place

Making everyone call my friend group the Insane Clownfish Posse

Sue Grafton's Z̵͔͗ is for Z̵͔͗ả̷̧ĺ̸̻g̶̣̀ö̷̼́

[1993, The Breeders concert]

Kim Deal: 🎶 I'm just looking for one divine hammer 🎶

Me, leaning to the person next to me and shouting: SHE'S TALKING ABOUT A PENIS

legally they won’t be able to call it March Madness much longer, due to the continuous rise of all the Every Single Day Madness

violinist: have you never done this before? you should probably turn around. it’s time to face the music

conductor: what

Getting prescription sunglasses. Doctor says I'm not cool enough.

idk if you know this but the cereal called life isn’t very lifelike at all there’s not even any blood in it

We've always had Autism. Your Uncle Ron, who could name every plane model flown since World War II? Great Grandma Grace, who canned everything known to man, even though no one was going to eat it? Aunt Sally who collected hundreds of Bibles. Freaking Autistic, yo.

Called my extension at work to see what would happen and now I'm terrified because I answered

interviewer: tell us about yourself
me: can’t, i’m an unreliable narrator

*breaking up with Thom Yorke*

I don't care what's in your head. I just don't think your RadioHEART is in this.

In the future, regular currency will be replaced a special kind of digital currency, where every time you spend it, an angry gnome with needlelike teeth appears and chews on your face. It's called BiteCoin. And the finance bros love it.

Ooo! This one is good! I mean, eeeevvvviiiilll 😈