Almost killed a motherfucker for saying cupcakes are stupid

Bro use my toothbrush it’s no big deal

I’m having a Costco hot dog themed birthday this year

I’m bummed that most of my kinks are fantasy only. Thank god for orgasm denial and deep tongue kissing.

I’m startin a new band EMO Overload!
Or Emo Overlord.

I got 9 likes!! I really appreciate the love and support

Mood: Can't wait to crack open a cold can of Jesus Pepper.

Me on my wedding day: "You still like me, right"?

does time make sense to ANYONE or are we all just pretending

Haha! Thank you, thank you but I'm only the second funniest Australian here

over a week of being nicotine-free and I can’t believe how much more I benefit from the shitty small amount of sleep I sometimes get
I’ve done this twenty times before you’d think I’d remember but it’s like a fresh experience so I’ll take it

That stupid run you do when a car lets you cross the street

Bro do you even lift

My girlfriend’s husband is a dick

Your shit makes no sense.. I read it twice

Want someone to call you? Just get in the shower that simple

My real name is fuck face

Just thanked my neighbor for starting his car with no muffler at 4:42am

Keep scrolling motherfucker

a horror movie about a
tall baby called tall baby

my london booking is in zone 4, despite everyone screaming about staying in zone 1 or 2. started to freak out about transit costs and… it’s an extra four quid a day. I can manage that for the price I paid for the flat.

They should invent pets that don’t age.

I'm open for adoption from literally any country.

whacking off on caffeine is what I call the Red Bull full pull

I think driving a Ford Taurus will help me get chicks

Me: I love you!!

Her: Thank you!!

Pull over next to this Paper Mill and take a moment to breathe and relax