In a parking lot, a policeman is walking from his bike to a motorist whom he has pulled over.
I saw a bicycle cop ride into traffic and pull over a car, in case you thought you were having a bad day.
I told my students that 25% of the football coaches at school are transgendered males. Now they're trying to figure out who.
Airlines: We're sorry our delays mean you won't make it home tonight.
Also airlines: Here's your rebooked flight for 2 days from now.
I'm developing a video game called "College Reunion Basketball" where a bunch of old guys play ball. Last one with an un-torn ACL wins.
More people die from an unhealthy diet than shark attacks, but there are way more horror movies about sharks than cupcakes.
The Blacksmith Union is telling us to strike while the iron is hot and I'm not sure if I should go to work or not
As a former little league coach, the only advice I’d give to you moms and dads coaching your own teams is to let Andrew keep chewing on his glove out there in right field. It’s not hurting anyone and he doesn’t have much else to do. Also, use Three Stooges bits for steal signs
Imagine being an unsolved murder from the '70s and having spend eternity with a photo displayed of you in '70s clothes and hair.
Turns out that for a $10 tip I can take any car I want outside this Autobell.
Pro tip: If you ever have to take a test on bird calls, for all the answers write, "mockingbird."
It's a sailboat in the water
A commissioned painting my daughter did recently for someone who is retiring.
A painting of a crushed Diet Coke can on an orange and tan checkerboard background.
Some art by my daughter.
People who get mad when you have your phone out during meals don't get the awesomeness of phones and the suckiness of most conversations.
The problem with seceding and forming your own country is then you have to run a country full of d-bags like you.
In Poland, pole dancing is just called dancing.
Everyone goes through a Buddy Holly phase. If you disagree, you just haven't gotten there yet.
He's drawing open-mic-comedy audiences.
When a person loses 1 sense the others are heightened. That's why people who have no sense of humor have an amazing sense of self-importance.
Either my dogs have kennel cough, or they've taken up smoking a few packs a day. They sound like a 1970s grandmother.
I just want to be rich enough to have a Panamanian shell company.
According to Autocorrect, jerboas are the jabronis of the animal kingdom.
Growing up, we were so poor we could only afford Connect 3
7
Omg Easter was days ago and the kids still haven’t found all the eggs! We’re going to have so many scorpions.
Saw a Yeti cooler for sale for $499.99, so the drinks I can no longer afford can stay cool longer.
all these universities kept axing medieval history departments as if they thought tyrants beefing with the Pope was going to stop being relevant
I like the fact that the sea anemone is called the sea anemone because it is important to be specific and not get it confused with the land anemone.
Told the nurse at the blood bank that I want all of my blood to be donated to gifted children
Now is not the time to make jokes, it is the time to police the internet to chastise people who make jokes at a time like this.