Important Aging Life Hack: Make all your doctors appointments in October when they have bowls of Halloween candy out at the front desk.

Me checking my favorite coffee shop to make sure they’re open after the Rapture.

Messing with spammers is one of the few joys that remain in life

John Lithgow at the Oscars looking “upset” and “disappointed”

Me after 30 seconds of scrolling on my phone:

The Best Picture Nominees Told in Bob’s Burgers Quotes:

an older woman is crying and says it 's been 84 years ALT: an older woman is crying and says it 's been 84 years

January:

This is the only photo that brings me any joy right now.

Paddington 2 should just be allowed to be nominated for Best Picture every year until it wins.

Current Mental State: Pasta Pot Gremlin from “Gremlins 2”

Me: New Years Eve is the day after Christmas!

My Calendar: *takes off glasses and grabs the bridge of its nose with its thumb and forefinger* Must we go through this every year?

Me at approximately 11am on Christmas Day:

GENIE: what is your first wish
JOE: i want to be rich
GENIE: granted. and what is your second wish
RICH: i want lots of money

MARY JANE: sorry about your uncle dan

PETER PARKER: it’s ben

MARY JANE: 🎵one week since you looked at me

I swear to god if i see another fucking person posting with a pic of their cat or dog i will like it and possibly leave a delightful reply

Therapist: what's your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that's not true

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

good job online today, everyone. i just saw all the posts

waiter: don’t touch the plate it’s very hot *sets plate down in the weirdest place*

On a scale of one to “I’ve shoved a used paper towel into my pocket rather than ask a new acquaintance where the trash is in their house”, how much of an introvert are you?

Honored to have made the cut!

An instant classic. Mariah wishes she could.

After I send an email: “Why is it taking so long for them to respond?!”

After I receive an email: “I’ll respond to this after I’ve done everything else in life.”

My body at 10:45pm: Time to get some rest.

My brain: DO YOU THINK WILLY WONKA CHANGED OUT THE WALLPAPER HE LET EVERYBODY LICK OR WAS IT THE SAME WALLPAPER HE AND THE OOMPA LOOMPAS HAD BEEN SAMPLING UP UNTIL THAT POINT

Hear me out here.

For just one year, movies have to be under 2 hours to be nominated for Best Picture.

Blurry photography?

THERAPIST: listen, I really need you to relax

ME: *banging fists on table* BUT HOW CAN IT BE “BIRTHDAY CAKE” FLAVOR IF A BIRTHDAY CAKE CAN BE ANY FLAVOR

running into your old statistics professor be like “what are the chances”

doordash driver messaging me: long line, waiting for order
me replying: do you think when we fall asleep we temporarily stop existing

Detective: Hi we’re just going door to door seeing if anyone knows anything about some missing cows?

Me: *180 moo’s come from my living room* Wish I could help!

Paddington is a Christmas movie.