I’m going downhill so quickly that the International Olympic Committee just DoorDashed me a gold medal.

The Super Bowl is turning 60 which means it’s likely divorced, wearing an Ed Hardy shirt & hitting on women half its age.

Do you get scared and/or angry driving into Home Depot parking lots? Well today there’s a halftime show just for you!

Luge is an Olympic sport where participants lay back and attempt to hang on for a very bumpy 58 seconds.

Most married women win the gold medal once a week.

$400 million just for something to hold Trump’s balls? I thought that’s what Speaker Mike Johnson is for.

anyone else need a necklace with a button to push for being in an "i've fallen and can't get up" mental space?

Hillary: Was Donald as good as Monica?
Bill: Close but no cigar.

Cracker Barrel is just Waffle House for people who can’t throw a chair or a decent punch.

I found radioactive shrimp tails in my nuclear toast crunch 🤢

What did you have for lunch Friday while the U.S. was feeding our enemy, a murderous dictator, Filet Mignon with Brandy Peppercorn Sauce? I had a hot dog.

The obvious reason for building a nuclear reactor on the moon is the low-gravity fission potential of atomic distraction from the Epstein List.

Fired my accountant because I didn’t like last month’s balance sheet.

*logging on*

wow, everything’s worse now

Somebody at work mentioned how bad the wildfire smoke was this weekend, "it was soooo hazy" and now my chronically online ass is ready to rap about Patrick swayze

There are Venmo people and there are Zelle people and I've committed fraud against both

some of my google searches are so impossibly stupid i do them in incognito mode

Great news: The US Bureau of Labor Statistics just announced 0% unemployment with 10,000% average wage growth & 200,000,000 new jobs added so far in August.

Dad, what’s an example of irony?

Well, the Presidential Fitness Test was just reinstated by a president who isn’t fit or fit to be president.

Happy 249th Birthday America. You don’t look a day over 1938 Germany.

Here’s an idea: instead of inhaling 76 hot dogs in 10 minutes how about slowly enjoying one per day until September 18th?

Per his aides, President Trump has perades. Thots & preyers.

It’s Father’s Day. Pull out all the stops for the guy who didn’t pull out.

It’s fine- my car loves its little curb snacks.

Actually, I can't Google that for you

Friday coffee hits like a rave in my mouth.

I was born in the US to immigrants who were not citizens at the time of my birth, so I’m just waiting to be rounded up for the gulag any day now

The ghost crab enclosure is not haunted. It's creepy af but probably not haunted.

Cheese is like a wig for your cracker.

1) Announce that I’m going to shoot myself in the foot for no reason

2) Friends panic & try to convince me not to do it

3) Doctors warn I’ll be crippled long term

4) Everyone thinks I’m reckless & insane

5) Pause the shooting 90 days

6) Declare myself an expert in podiatry

No spoilers please. I can’t wait to see what drama happens next on White POTUS.