Me and my flatmates used to play a game where we would sing along to the closing theme tune to The Bill with improvised lyrics that summarised what had happened in the episode we'd just watched.

A penguing puts a wing around its partner in a consoling way. A film crew are making a documentary in the distance.

It's okay Amy. We don't want to be in their stupid film anyway.

This is a great thread for those of us of a certain age

Indeed – I once went to great lengths to explain it to someone by creating this slightly horrific mashup

The Irish have started calling Conor McGregor, ‘Andrew Tayto’.

I first thought it was Dominic Cumming’s sticking his head through one of those face in the hole boards

Fuck me, thank you so much for that!

Absolutely howling at the last shot of this.

Good afternoon, you're through to Edward Scissorhands, how can I hel

Ah. Sorry. Cut her off.

Your grandad’s gone to Superdry again.

Oh what, we're allowed videos longer than 60 seconds now? A marvellous excuse to post a snippet of pop music theory from my Twitter archive for the four people who like that kind of thing

ACTORS: Comedy is much harder than drama.
WRITERS: Comedy is much harder than drama.
DIRECTORS: Comedy is much harder than drama.
EDITORS: Comedy is much harder than drama.

JOURNALISTS, AWARDS PANELS, CRITICS:

I painted my wife's portrait, and she said the style was 'a bit too Picasso' for her liking. She's got a blinking cheek.

A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.

will always have love in my heart for annoying people, especially writers, and am consequently thrilled by this anecdote about Saint-Ex

Thank you very much! It'll be good to have some literary back-up next time.

Where is that quote from, please? I often tell my friend she has drunk hair.

me: (talking out loud while i write in my diary) today was ok, i just wish i could have eaten more breadsticks

waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

“I’m imposing tariffs. For an hour.”

Controversy at a local brass band competition over claims the judges weren’t oompahtial.

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

My old man's a hat thief
He wears a dustman's hat

Scene from Neighbours. Daphne wearing a blue shirt and Des looking like he’s about to strangle her.

On this day 1981: Lady Diana Spencer and Prince Charles announce their engagement.

[John Virgo sotto voce]
One of the most shameful things l've ever seen here at the Crucible

Danny Baker's won in Germany, lads. Free vinyl and fez hats for all!

Screenshot from a Polish train booking page, offering options to add luggage, a bicycle, or a Great Dane.

Bizarrely specific option available when you book a train ticket in Poland

I'm in Poland. Saw this on a frozen lake earlier.

When I’m pope, I’ll be saying things like “I’m just poping to the shops” a lot, so get ready for that.