It's okay, Bluesky, I'm dying too.

Sure, I recall that seven mary three and seven mary four were Jon & Ponch's call signs, but I do not remember where I have put my passport.

Magnolias are an ancient species of tree pollinated by beetles because they evolved prior to bees. What are you even doing with your life, you piece of shit.

[me, complimenting someone] well, at least you’re not AI

me: sorry, but i’m too old for that
them: for what?
me: yes

I wonder, in his mind, how he thought that would go over.

I only made it up there once.

Always drawing focus. They can't help themselves. I enjoy those kids up until the second I don't.

Bert was a real kid. I think he just had showbiz in his veins.

That kid in school who freaked everyone out by turning his eyelids inside out. And a couple years later, when we all got used to it, he graduated to whipping his junk out when the teacher left the classroom. "Bert, this is only 5th grade. You need to pace yourself."

Yeah. You found out the ceiling in the gymnasium was hot at the top of that rope.

You're never out.

would thou likest to have your flabber gasted or not

Peace? Word on the street is you've been playing the ponies and you're six figures deep into Micky Splits. I'm offering you a golden ticket and a chance to finally get that fat bastard Micky's shoe off your neck.

Everyone has that one friend who calls you and the rest the old gang up for one last score.

The monkeys are squabbling over a great big ripe juicy guava. I might go outside and enter the fray.

Like many despots on the path to enlightenment, Trump is discovering that his biggest enemy is the allies he pissed off along the way.

Fabergé was just a bit ahead of his time on egg prices.

Put your wife's special bra, the black one she doesn't wear anymore, over your eyes and creep up behind her buzzing like a fly. See, the spark is still there.

Me: Why does my cat bite me?

Veterinarian: Because his paws are too tiny to choke you.

Don't bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring a knife to a vault containing many wheels of cheese in a brutalized postapocalyptic society where knives are only a legend. You are now Knifebringer, Divider of the Cheese. Raise your knife and rule the clans.

BREAKING: Jesus Christ Returns For Second Coming, Republicans Immediately Start Explaining His Own Teachings to Him

that’s how I should answer the phone at work

-me when someone screams in a movie

mixing powdered milk into evaporated milk and leveling up

At the punk show clapping politely and hoping no one spills my $10 beer

Can I get this in writing with a signature?

It's just not a proper quaint, boutique shopping district without an empty storefront where the dog bakery used to be.

Wow! I guess we need to read the small print in the social contract. Some surprises in there.

As a former little league coach, the only advice I’d give to you moms and dads coaching your own teams is to let Andrew keep chewing on his glove out there in right field. It’s not hurting anyone and he doesn’t have much else to do. Also, use Three Stooges bits for steal signs

That's perfect.