Christmas garbage is the prettiest garbage of the year.

Always a Rubbermaid, never a rubber.

If I say “huh” then answer your question my brain was just buffering.

If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

i get knocked down, i can't get up again, so you're gonna have to walk around.

I bought a top-of-the-line space heater but word from Uranus is it’s still cold

Morpheus: d- did you just take both pills??

Neo: yeah I fuckin love pills

Men act like masculinity comes from driving sports cars & eating bacon but we all know where actual masculinity comes from- eating pizza rolls in the basement of your mother's house while arguing with strangers on the internet.

Se7en is a Christmas movie because people talk about the Bible and Brad Pitt gets a present at the end.

Top 3 malones:
1) Bugsy
2) Post
3) Ho

Office holiday party. Every year, the same thing. Janice from accounting gets shitfaced and shows everyone her intimate tattoo that she swears she’s never shown anyone before.

me: how much for the goth sauce?
mortician: that's embalming fluid

*brain waking up*
oh god please not again I can’t keep existing in this reality

*brain 20 minutes later*
I’ve invented a fish breakfast cereal called Carp’n Crunch

Switched off a Hallmark Christmas film because I didn't think the quality of knitwear on offer was good enough, which feels like I've crossed a threshold. There's no detached and ironic appreciation anymore. There are standards that must be upheld. This is who I am now.

I doubt there will ever be enough cowbell for all this.

I deal with my problems by creating brand new ones to add to the list.

*takes a drag* The plants around here know the rules. No drinkin' til you're sinkin'

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I'll be doing exactly, but being a "fall guy" sounds important.

My husband thinks he can just add random items to my junk drawer and I’m like HELLO THERE IS AN APPROVAL PROCESS

A robot may not make a casserole, nor through inaction, allow a casserole to be made

[date]

her: I love bocelli

me: my favorite is rigatoni

I hope my true love got a gift receipt for the partridge and the pear tree, what I need em to give to me is fried potatoes and a grilled cheese

"Is this some kind of a sick joke?" I ask, motioning around at humanity.

Did some stuff, saw some things, then did some things and saw some stuff.

I couldn't shoot a deer but under the right circumstances I would probably slap one in the face

bird flu? i bet it did

If there isn't a porn titled "Larry Croft: Womb Raider," what are we all even doing here?

Blankets were invented at some point in our history. Before then it was snuggle or die.