the disappointment was so real

i would totally join a cult as long as i can do all my cult stuff from my couch and be on my phone

*seductively bleeds out on your living room rug*

I wish all men who fat shame women a very Die A Burning Death

the higher end brands should start using the full name

chardonnay is short for richardonnay

LET MEN BE BEAUTIFUL MAGICIAN'S ASSISTANTS

I hope the symbiote survived

gatorade, now with real alligator juice

I’m going to be very disappointed if I go to England and nobody skips to the loo.

when someone's trying to talk to me and i'm doing continuous homer high pitched screams in my mind like a scream queen i don't know where this was going but it's true

i try not to be fickle, but never for very long

not little or a teapot but a secret third thing you can tip over

let’s get this party cleaned up I mutter as I enter the shower with 22 inch hedge shears

what the world needs now is to watch the astronauts eat spaghetti

Lynyrd Skynyrd was all like “lord knows i can’t change” and then immediately changed tempos

hella nerd babies getting named artemis early next year

Not to sound pretentious but Pinot Grigio pairs well with lucky charms

Accidentally left two bunny shaped pinatas unsupervised in the garage overnight, now we have 936 bunny shaped pinatas

You gotta fight for your right to sit quietly doing nothing

give me your tore up from the floor up, your writhing masses yearning for more E

vasectomied grapes

(forgetting the term for seedless grapes) blank grapes

thank you😭🫂

i’d like to start a petition pls

@smillz.lol is driving rn but he said “YEA CUSS THAT CLOWN”

perfect sweeties like Key should be able to get whatever they want off any menu at any time it just. makes. sense.

stupid fuckaas clown and his breakfast rules 😡

🥺🖤