I used to, but I no longer exist

I’m not proud of it but if Forrest Gump started talking to me on a bench I’d have left

I think I've got five, maybe six more deep sighs in me before they become my entire personality

A film I mixed is going to the Tribeca Festival:

Via Negativa is coming to #Tribeca25th US Narrative Competition, June 3-14, 2026

@tribeca

#vianegativa

The Wetland Project has been my favorite alternate-reality radio experience since it began. Since it only happens once a year, you can’t become accustomed to it. Close your eyes and be washed over by the sonic reality of an isolated bog on Saturna Island!

My date last night was a "make best friends with the people at the next table and integrate them into our dinner experience" person and I hope she finds happiness with a like-minded person.

your secret is safe with me bc what were we talking about

it really is such a shame Google destroyed Google search

PHYSICS SAYS AN OBJECT AT REST STAYS AT REST SO WE SHOULD JUST STAY IN BED THIS WEEK

“Target Practice” but it’s just me trying to figure out how to act normal in a Target.

Accidentally used a men's deodorant and now I get paid more and can walk down the street without fear.

the main difference between me out and about and me at home is the same as the difference between magma and lava:

-location
-gas content

Fantastic review title

I told my gf, “Did you know Old McDonald’s farm has been taken over by Artificial Intelligence?”

Her: AI?

Me: AI.

Her: Oh.

This is Chewy. He loves to help his grandma garden. She can’t kneel down to dig holes anymore, but that’s his favorite part, so they're a perfect team. 14/10 (TT: chewythenewfie)

[space shuttle]

CAPTAIN: prepare for landing

ME: roger that

CAPTAIN: reverse thrusters

ME: sretsurht lol

CAPTAIN: lol

*we smash full speed into the moon*

The Garden of Earthly Delights (detail), by Hieronymus Bosch, 1480-1505, 📸 by @alexbrandon

"Houston, we hazelnut a problem..."

Glenn Close...but no cigar

The moon always keeps its butt pointed at the Earth hence the name

no pants day has been quite successful

Got fired from the Ford dealership because I couldn’t say Super Duty with a straight face.

Them: what’s wrong with you?

Me: *deep breath

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

“Casualty Cover-Up”: The Pentagon Is Hiding U.S. Losses Under Trump in the Middle East The Pentagon has sent outdated statements on the number of U.S. troops killed or wounded during the Iran War, resulting in undercounts.

"CENTCOM also would not provide a count of troops who have died in the region since the start of the war. An Intercept analysis puts the number at no less than 15."

“Casualty Cover-Up”: The Pentagon Is Hiding U.S. Losses Under Trump in the Middle East
theintercept.com/2026/04/01/i...

Stranger: a word for the wise-

Me: oh I won’t be needing that

3d printing a new blood brain barrier because mine won't quit letting the news in

ME: It's a kid's movie about a dragon who disguises himself as a nanny

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Mrs Mouthfire

HIM: Get out

The Singularity is upon us: Apple's AI summarized a text message that read "I'm still down to clown if you are" to.... "clown event still possible."

The Tech ICE Uses To Find You YouTube video by Proton

youtu.be/b1K7yLWs2DM?...