what if i fucking kill you

Damn dude. Just lie and say that you're never drunk at work. Or admit that you are. It doesn't matter. You're not going to face any consequences either way.

Wait... Did they let a dog play?!

Oh no

Well shit

I’m not proud of it but if Forrest Gump started talking to me on a bench I’d have left

Everyone having issues with Bluesky just means that today would be the funniest day for it to happen

The Pain from Metal Gear Solid 3

Close enough. Welcome back, The Pain!

I don't see a problem here. It is nice to think about him being "with Jesus now"

People made masterpieces, but this one's still my favorite

Talking to someone who doesn't keep up with the news day to day

Her: what are all of these pictures of Jesus being called "doctor"?

Me: so you know how the president is currently in a feud with the pope...

Why stop there? Pictures of Trump with Epstein? It's just Trump as a doctor. The white makeup on his hand? Just a lab coat to make his hand look like a doctor. The AI video of him shitting on protesters? Dr. Trump prescribing plane poop.

Saying the Pope is weak on crime is like saying "the pope is weak on crime" (there are no good analogies for how fucking stupid that is; it's a category that contains exactly one example)

Were they able to confirm if the moon is actually haunted?

Artemis II has successfully landed on the Planet of the Apes

Will you be denying your connections to Jeffery Epstein during this stream? This is an important thing that everyone must do now apparently.

It's because you decided to take the day off. Your time off is the cause of so much weird shit.

Epstein's Eye Land Optometry Clinic

imagine Tracy Morgan saying "it's not what it looks like! Dr. Epstein is my optometrist."

If this is your kind of joke, you gotta watch Reggie Dinkins

I love ALIEN’s vision of the future. Yes, everyone is still working shit jobs for shit corporations for shit pay. But the good news is they’ve successfully made robots full of milk that are bitchy little fruits

I went and saw Project Hail Mary.
A guy came in with his service dog and the dog sat there the whole time just concentrating on the movie.
Afterwards I told the guy I was amazed your dog watched the movie like that.
He replied, me too especially because he hated the book.

Everyone shut up and watch this!

So is Congress still doing that whole "he needs to be removed from office" thing from yesterday afternoon? Or is not starting world war 3 after 12 hours of uncertainty good enough for them to just move on?

meme with photos of Trump I make a stupid decision -> something really bad happens -> I convince my followers the problem is now magically solved -> I reverse my stupid decision

a visual depiction of Fox News's commentary tonight

Trump Warns Iran To Accept His Ultimatum Or Face Wrath Of Next Ultimatum WASHINGTON—Threatening to continue issuing threats if the Islamic Republic did not quickly agree to his demands, President Donald Trump warned Iran on Monday to accept his ultimatum or face the wrath ...

“Lay down your weapons now or I will have no choice but to ask you to lay down your weapons later,” the commander in chief wrote on Truth Social

My dude, that game was designed to uphold someone's mental well-being since the day it was released.

Armageddon is terrible, but our only other option was diversity trainings at work.

Does Bluesky have main characters? Or was that just a Twitter thing?