My daughter told me she thinks the Easter Bunny is non-binary.

I asked if she meant non-bun-ary.

My humor isn’t appreciated in this house.

A small more blob shaped snowman - it is decorated with oversized LEGO snowman pieces.

My children are master snowman makers.

I was just thinking about this earlier when walking back from the bus from school with my son cause we get these same kinds of lists for talking to kids and they are always so unhinged.

Want to go with a deeper conversation? Be interested in what they say and ask about that.

An iPhone reminder that says “Order me La La”

”Our phones are secretly recording everything we say!”

Meanwhile when I’m speaking directly into my phone to remind me to order melatonin.

Move fast and break things?

Nah, I’m more of a move slow and bump into things (while apologizing) kind of guy.

My sweet little chaweenie Moxie laying next to my leg and looking back at me

My dog just farted but it was so sulfur smelling I had flash backs to hiking by a volcano.

Kind of surreal being in a new place and getting location targeted ads for Republicans endorsed by Trump while I’m reading an article about the Epstein Files - this is a terrible time for your ad which basically only has the message that Trump endorses you.

My 8-year-old just said he thinks football would be more interesting if the players had to kiss.

And yeah, it probably would be.

Me: Miralax kind of sounds like the name of a dragon

Them: yeah, a shit dragon

Current status of the fundraisers for those killed by ICE:
Renee Good: $1,499,580
Alex Pretti: $1,289,249
Keith Porter, Jr. $302,423
Parady La: $45,848
Heber Sanchez Dominguez: $47,991
Luis Beltrán Yanez Cruz: $18,640
Victor Manuel Diaz: $2,538
Geraldo Lunas: $2,260
Luis Gustavo Núñez: $1,935

My dog just waiting for me to sit down to ask to be let outside.

Today feels like a Rage Against the Machine kind of day.

I may not be the perfect parent but my 10 year old just said her favorite song is the Muppet version of Bohemian Rhapsody, so I’ve got that going for me.

I know enough to know that I don’t know enough about most things.

I thought I might just play one day in Stardew Valley and then immediately thought, “you fucking liar.“

And that’s the story of how my morning was saved.

I have been on my last spoon for 350 spoons now - mybodyistryingtokillme.com

I feel like today that the Venn Diagram of all the things I know I need to do and all the things I that I’m not going to get to is just a circle.

Just text that says, "It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane." - Philip K. Dick, VALIS

Reality do be feeling that way.

I just got a strong craving for my favorite pizza place from when I was a kid but since that place is like 2,700 miles away I think I’m just going to have to let it slide.

Legally not being allowed to talk about something and wanting to complain about that very thing probably have near perfect circle venn diagram.

Anyways… *shakes my fist at the legal system*

God damn STOP TEXTING ME MARK KELLY

Making a list and checking it twice honestly sounds like great ADHD advice.

My daughter is working on an astronomy project and I blew her mind with the “sharks are have been around longer than Saturn’s rings“ - which admittedly is a fairly wild fact.

A conversation with my daughter:

D: who’s that guy that runs hell?

Me: the devil?

D: yeah, the devil! I bet he invented pants.

Ever have that instance of not being able to find something and having to clean a bunch only to find that item in plain sight and having a thought of, “well I guess I did all that cleaning for nothing?”

I mean it’s good that I did the cleaning, but still.

I got a box of random crap from Amazon as part of a brushing scam (fake reviews) and at first it’s neat because “free stuff” but then I am reminded why these products need fake reviews and now I just have a box of stuff I need to get rid of.

Articles about slang are usually kind of funny just due to the fact that by the time they get written they tend to be out of date.

Why am I so bad at sleeping, this doesn’t feel like something that should be gatekept by a skill issue.

I feel like a lot of us in the comedy world failed the world at large when we stayed silent despite knowing all about Cosby and Louis so let me say right now that Steve Martin has eaten one banjo a year for the last 25 years

Tall evergreen silhouetted against a vibrant sunrise sky. The sky glows with a gradients of bright orange, yellow, and soft pink visible through the dense branches.

Coffee and watching the sun rise never gets old.