Those are my emotional support keyboard crumbs

game of thrones: miami

What being on the brink of nuclear war taught me about B2B sales

Microdosing illiteracy by watching a press conference

Hi I’m back. What did I miss? What’s going on?

Call your senator and put a generational hex on them

How many times do I have to tell you I never learned to count? Six times? One time? Twirlven times?

feels like a good time to remind y'all that your gay apparel is dry clean only

Spotify wrapped but for all the men I fumbled

I ran out of toilet paper at my crush’s house in a Shakespearean way

What’s a good water to have for beginners? I’ve never had a water before

[me to men] shut up when you talk to me

He spent the whole MRI thinking it was a giant Pringles can

Cyclops Monday. Less deals, even less eyes.

reverse advent calendar where I scream a little scream into each tiny box and close it up tight

Sucking on a Benadryl as a treat

lady and the tramp scene but with a tube of cookie dough

And on the third day he napped again

Microdosing black friday by pushing my family members down every time I walk into a room

Conquering chronic lateness by never going anywhere 😎

"No worries if not", I flirt

Biblically accurate Toyota dealership

What do we want? Leftovers! When do we want it? Later, dumbass!

it feels redundant to call a fireman hot

you wouldn't know my brainworm, it goes to a different school

[watching a musical]

god, please don’t let it be another song…

Glossed lips from a buttered roll and pockets filled with gravy. Bliss.

Everyone go around the table and say one thing they’re regretful for

On thanksgiving I like to butter the outside of my roll too so I can throw it down my gullet like a pelican