A golden retriever has both paws up at a bank teller’s window.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
choir director: sing the song , ladies
the camptown ladies: doo dah, doo dah
choir director: what
hey babe can you come pick my up from the zoo i guess arctic monkeys aren’t even real
to reconcile with your past you should simply be able to travel there
oh good, bsky’s broken again now i have to talk to the three-dimensional people who hate cum jokes
Today I paid someone to come do stuff and shop for my groceries and me n' my butt are not sorry.
Today's Tarot Card: You're so toxic that when snakes bite you, they get sick.
Friend: Let's get together! What's your calendar look like?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Bread is just acoustic toast send post
The receptionist at my physician's office has big "former horse girl" energy
people who do autobody repair annoyed that the name "dentist" was already taken
Two funny things I just found in my gmail spam folder:
1. A google gemini email
2. A notice about a class action lawsuit against Google
you should get a discount from your cable provider if they show a certain number of their own commercials
I spend an inordinate amount of my workday looking for ways to say someone is acting dumb without actually saying it
i call dibs on looking at the meteors first tonight
my favorite thing about Spring is the smells
Everybody always focuses on the few reckless women who break the glass ceiling, but nobody ever talks about all the decent hardworking women working as glaziers who help repair the damage.
if it happens once that’s understandable that’s just a mistake, but if you play john mayer twice in a row at the coffee shop i have to assume some things
ME: slow and steady wins the race
WIFE: i asked you to do the dishes 3 days ago
ME: slow and steady linda
Since my last update my eyes look like a slot machine when I'm dissociating
most of the time, i can look right at a person and tell if they are as online as i am
a lot of folks don't know that the song "Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica is actually about soup
You don’t realize how fragile your sanity is until your sock slides halfway off inside your shoe and you can’t fix it.
might be controversial but, my whole thing with Gargamel is that he couldn’t have been all that bad, mainly because he was a cat guy
i let the dogs in bc i’m an ally
Usually there's just hawks circling the canyon at sunset looking for prey in the brush but today there's also a seagull and I'm like, good luck buddy, hope you find an ice cream sandwich or some froyo moving around down there.
European friend asked how I'm able to afford living in America and I said "easy, I'm boycotting everything" and then I ate a single grape.
You're the only cursed amulet I need baby
MOM FISH: how was school
LIKE TEN THOUSAND OTHER FISH: fine