happy birthday ella I got you this frog

Sheriff: this town ain't big enough fer the both of us

The Obsequious Cowboy: I think we can make it work

face down ass up that's the way I'm in bed tucked

embossing many powerful spells and incantations on a roll of tinfoil wrapping it around myself and standing on my roof

ya that's true

respectfully u don't know me

loosing a bunch of arrows roughly in the direction of my enemies who are hundreds of miles away

youre gonna suck whatever I pull out this sleeve (proceeds to pull out 28ft of knotted together handkerchiefs)

its gone I think

I forget

accidentally took the dick station gas pill 😩

when Natasha Bedingfield said release your inhibitions feel the rain on your skin... I felt that

knuckle tattoo NUCK TATS

my uncle says he was in Vietnam but I think it must have been Laos or Burma or something because he only has like a 300 yard stare

Sheriff: this town ain't big enough for the both of us

World's smallest cowboy: yes it is

My ocean economist buddy says nows the time to bet on the sand dollar

Drinking a concoction of bone broth and Gatorade I call Bonerade

if hugs and kisses were fishes and wishes I'd still be all alone 😅

jacking off imagining Elon onboard this thing

hey I don't want to alarm anybody and I know this isn't how you wanted to start the new year, but I've just been informed that the floor is lava

usually I'm an atheist, but around this time of year I become deeply eggnogstic

just sleigh mogged these reindeer

Rudolph it's your fuckin nose
can't you see it scares the hoes

just got my 23 and Me results and it turns out I am 100% neanderthal

Work Bully: How coms't thou hither? A worm? (New girl blushes and turns away)
Bully's Henchman: You pebble! You stone! (Cronies laugh)

Me: (bravely standing) Let her alone.

need a stripper with a heart of gold to ruin my life

I could tell

if my cloak is scaring some hoes, those are the hoes I want to be scared

mouse nietzsche: thus squake zarathustra