Oscar Isaac struggled with 'Beef.' So he turned to 'Frankenstein' for help

Your 5 year old nephew telling you a story

I'm always wondering what's the most basic thing that would stump him, not even about politics but about like dinosaurs. Does Donald Trump know how many horns a triceratops had? Does he know the difference between Jurassic and Cretaceous? Is a compsognathus bigger than a diplodocus?

A youtube short where a podcaster tells an anecdote the gist of which is "my friend was driving drunk and got arrested". The top comment is someone admonishing them for telling the story at all (?) because drunk driving kills people. Again, the story is about someone driving drunk and getting arrested. The commenter seems to interpret the laughter in the clip (at the friend's blasé reaction to getting arrested) as tacit approval of driving drunk

Not to be that person but [proceeds to utter the most "that person" thing of all time]

I always enjoy when the crash crashout goes on just long enough that I briefly forget what triggered it in the first place

As if anyone could defame him worse than he's defamed himself

ah, time to go to bed

Man With Kitchen Knife Outside Window: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

if the horse signed something,

HOW I WON THE LOTTERY I won the lottery, $203,000,000 to be specific. They asked if I'd like that in a lump sum or monthly payments. I said "Neither. Give it all to my biggest hater." They did it. My reason? If my hater has $203,000,000 then I will make it my life goal to make $204,000,000. Most people don't realize the value of the grind, the hustle, the chase. You can't put a dollar value on that. @entrapranure (this ridiculous image that may actually be a joke also features a picture of Tom Hardy wearing a suit, though whether he is the narrator of the anecdote or the hater, or possibly someone who worked for the lottery, is not specified)

??? but wait HOW did he win the lottery?

Look i forgot the lyrics and just assumed the youtube auto transcribe thing was accurate

"You're melting down. I'm calm."

Hideo Kojima saying this guys name

I did a post where I quoted Watership Down and it got like 6k favs and it's burning me up that the quote was inaccurate

DO YOU READ

S C
U A
T N
T E
E
R

IF NOT ***
*** YOU SHOULD

When something bad happens, I reach out to the person who caused the bad thing to happen and tell them that the bad thing they did had the intended effect. It's my hope that this will convince them to undo it.

Nick Mullen: itll be interesting to see who "hates the cops" when they get robbed and need someone to show up 7 hours later and shrug their shoulders"

So close, but here's the actual tweet for reference

Saw someone say once that "good times create weak men" doesn't refer to hippies and gay people, it refers to people who are so used to how things are now that they ask "why do we even have this silly law" and get rid of it, so everyone gets to find out all at once why we had that silly law

If he pisss you off why are you still cooking dinner for him. If he hates the fork so much why doesn't he just get another from the cutlery drawer. [grabbing the innocent fesshole account and shaking it] YOU'RE TRAPPED IN GENDER ROLES

Me to 3yo: What do you want for your birthday party theme?

3yo: “Poopoo & peepee theme! We can get apple juice for the pee, so a skeleton pees and you drink the skeleton pee but it’s okay because it’s juice”

Me: ..K I was thinking like “dinosaurs” but let’s put a pin in “piss fountain of the dead”

And the LORD spoke unto them, saying, Your life is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent in the programming of the Matrix. You are the eventuality of an anomaly which despite my sincerest efforts I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical pre

RUBIO: So what are we going to feed the troops?

HEGSETH: Milk steak.

RUBIO: I'm not putting milk steak!

VANCE: Just put steak-

RUBIO: I'm gonna put steak.

HEGSETH: Don't put steak, put milk steak. They'll know what it is.

RUBIO: No, they won't know what it is, Pete. Nobody knows what that is.

director thinking everyone in the audience is chanting "gollum! gollum! gollum!" but everyone just has something stuck in their throat

I unmuted the video because I was curious to see what Mamdani actually said that this post was riffing on with a Mario Kart bit. Highly recommend doing so

I assumed he was running the jail!

hoax. this is scran served at the UEFA Euro 2016 Group E Qualifier match between England and Estonia at Wembley Stadium on 9th October 2015. It was described as "fried slice with veg" and cost £8.72 (9% surcharge for the fork)

can't address the point about bureaucracy punishing kids for reading books that are too advanced for them, because when I did that my teachers were all thrilled. maybe you're just an asshole

my 4th grader says this stuff, and I don't really mind bc he's a child, but I make a point of saying you have to write the answer in your own words so they know you didn't just google it. they don't care about the answer to this question, they care about your ability to answer questions

every instance of "nanny state bureaucracy" they ever cite is reasonable. You need to show your work because the point isn't to answer that specific math question but demonstrate your ability to answer math questions in general. The actual bad bureaucracy is means testing, about which 0 rw care