I’m sick of reaching the bottom and getting nothing from it. Searching the depths, but all for naught. Maybe it’s time I finally crack open a new jar of peanut butter

[meeting]
Boss: Anything you want to add?
Me: [furrows brow in vain attempt to look thoughtful]
Boss: Why did you say "furrows brow in vain att

Set phasers to unbearable lightness of being

Reading posts is one form of escape and slowly drowning in quicksand is another.

I loved your metaphor. You really painted a picture with words. Sadly, that doesn't make your idea any less dumb.

Writing "Nana's Ride" on the back of my wheelchair in dayglow face paint.

But who will protect the pocket protectors?

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

“Please release my son’s files.”

Signed,

Epstein’s mother

If you rewrite Kentucky Rain to be about a taco bar, then you've written a song called KenTaco Rain, and you're a friggin' genius. And, yes, I am.

Our world might just be
computer code but we gotta look after it. After all, it's the only simulation we have running.

just ate a frank. sorry. i meant a Frank. didn’t relish it but i mustered the courage to do it. took about 5 minutes (Ballpark™️ estimate)

When I see a guy wearing a knit winter cap in Phoenix, in July, I imagine he could wring a cup of sweat out of it.

reading between the lines (2 weeks late) has always been my forte

Star: “I’m a luminous celestial body visible in the night sky.”

Shooting star: “I own 3 handguns and an assault rifle. ‘Merica!”

The gluten free hoagie roll I used on the sandwich I just ate was so dry that my mouth is now Arizona.

Mr. Jones and me. We very rarely communicate anymore except for about important sporting events or consequential elections.

Na, na, na, na, na, na.

Nothing but respect for 5' 3" jesus

first the robots sweep our floors, then they mow our lawns, and next thing we know they’re taking our ladies out to dinner because you’re too drunk watching the Cubs game

If I end up using a mobility scooter, I’m totally bringing back jousting

🎶We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue🎶

Though not right now, I can't find my Discman.

Him: Well if you want my advice-

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Please do not be a li’l stinker, I am very sensitive and delicate.

Being a parent is mostly just saying the same thing over & over again. It's just saying the same thing over & over again. Over & over again. No matter how old your kids are.

Kind of like performance art, but it’s just me completely falling to pieces.

Having carnal thoughts about Farrah Fawcett again. Best put on a hair shirt and ride my penny-farthing past the vicar’s house

It's a real dilemma for me when I'm confronted with a moral issue that wasn't examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

The devil uses your hashtags as ninja stars.

Get my nuts crushed either way.

having sex is like riding a bicycle, knees ache, might fall off, lots of reflectors