LOL.

with this hot pocket, i thee wed

i wish my body worked like an iPhone and told me exactly how long i need to charge until im at 80%

This is Binoo. She will tell you when you're permitted to stop scratching. Until then, stop slacking. 13/10 (IG: binoochi)

My cat is WEAK on Crime (he stole my heart) 🐾

threw my back out pumping up the jam

(guy about to invent croutons) what if we ate this burnt toast with leaves

Melania: I never cut child in half with sword. I never do this.

The entire USA: what?

Melania: not me.

Okay CTA. This is a good sign.

I made a new fren at class. His name is Wallen. HE’S HUGE, HE BARKS LOUD AND HE LIKES TREATS. We’re great buds now. 😎❤️

What’s the Kalshi spread on tonight’s group dinner: mild suffering (-110) vs. psychological damage (-250)?

When a person loses 1 sense the others are heightened. That's why people who have no sense of humor have an amazing sense of self-importance.

My husband’s making me go to a group dinner tonight. I’ve already started dissociating.

Apparently the serving size for chips is 10 chips

Listen, I eat 10 chips while deciding if I even want chips

Me smelling lilacs outside for the first time this year.

#MJMlilacReport

A McDonald’s where the sign has been reduced to McDo.

There is no McTry.

I’m gay for a strawberry milkshake from McDonald’s. If it ever leaves me, I won’t recover.

one day you walked out of Blockbuster for the very last time and you never even knew it

I wish there was a cute illustrated kids’ book called Does This Day End in Bolognese? & that a pouty cartoon MJM starred in it, & that some Bolognese, in fact, was served at the end.

At this point, we might as well call it the Gay of Hormuz.

Maybe we all need to open the Strait of Hormuz inside our own hearts. 💕

new revenue stream: a subscription-based bluesky where you can post about free bluesky not loading

Using my cold to become more alluring, more of a cypher. I want the guy at the bodega where I bought my DayQuil to find himself absentmindedly drawing my portrait on a receipt this afternoon. “Will I ever see him again?,” he’ll wonder, and then, “Did I ever see him at all?”

long john silver linings playbook

[tomb]

MARY MAGDALENE: *gasps* Where did he go?

[Olive Garden]

SERVER: Everything okay here?

JESUS: [stuffing breadsticks in his mouth] These things are friggin’ fantastic.

thinking about becoming a tits avi

Café. I was pretty sure the handsome barista with the fashion forward (untrimmed! untamed!) eyebrows was stoned but it wasn’t until he arced down, sat across from me, said, “OMFG,” & then arced up seamlessly, that I could be sure.

I thought #3 was diarrhea, no?

sign reads “JESUS 6:00 PARKING LOT”

about time someone called that motherfucker out