2026: If authors don’t mention the species of study in their abstract it’s considered rude for reviewers to ask (it’s mice)

2031: Jürgen Schmidhuber receives a Nobel Prize in AI for the discovery of place cells in ChatGPT. He spends his acceptance speech talking about the 1980s.

2029: The marmosets, not simply content with their Neuralink implants, continue to self-augment.

2044: Now regarded as useless and harmful, the impact factor is abolished. When reached for comment, @mbeisen.bsky.social, now the supreme leader emeritus of eLife, simply responds “I told you so.”

2033: DEI is legal again, but it is now illegal to publish electrophysiological research without conforming to “The Manifold Hypothesis”