Had two drinks at the work function and now I can't stop telling everyone about Kākāpō cam.

Living in late stage capitalism has me jealous of the hypothetical animal chewing off a limb to escape a trap. You're telling me there is an actual way out and the price is only chewing off one limb? I fucking wish that was an option to escape this fucking timeline.

ECG result: queer

Really hope they find something actionable in my ankle ultrasound, otherwise I will have been walking around all day with lube in my socks for nothing.

BABE

A photograph of a single shortbread biscuit, it is remarkably sonic.

I don't usually eat shortbread, but uh, this particular shortbread, is um, making some compelling arguments.

Unfortunately the bitches I would be suing would be the bitch that drank all that wine (me), the bitch who put me in high heels (also me), and the hole I fell into (the ground).

As I am going through the process of recovering from an injury that is covered by ACC I am calling bullshit on the idea that we have appropriate accident compensation that means we don't have to sue when we get hurt. 8 months of physiotherapy at $40 a week, I would actually like to sue some bitches.

Lessons from my mid thirties: I do have a bunch of awesome friends but, as they are largely my age and older, I can't ask them to help me move the dead washing machine down the three stairs in the garage. I care too much for their spines.

I have got to stop looking at things at work and thinking "well that doesn't expire until 2026, we have heaps of time"... we do not in fact have heaps of time until 2026.

Mid thirties dyke wearing red lipstick and a black dress with a deep v. Them titties off the chain.

Same mid thirties dyke looking hot from a slightly different angle.

When that friend we always knew was gong to make it actually does make it, we get glammed the fuck up.

Felling kinda done with interesting times, could really do with some boring times please.

OH FUCK YEAH

A selfie of me, white mid thirties dyke wearing sunglasses and a wide trimmed hat. My shirt says "man down, level up" I look cute as fuck.

Lessons from my mid-thirties: give up on looking cute for a gig and focus entirely on sunburn prevention. You will still look cute.

Going to a festival today but I'm 34 so the only drug interactions I'm googling are diclofenac and paracetamol.

Hairdresser: so who are you looking forward to seeing at laneway?
Me: Chappell Roan, Lucy Dacus, Gigi Perez, Wet Leg. It's going to be a very lesbian heavy lineup.
Hairdresser: that's really what New Zealand needs at this time.
Me: you know, you are so right.

Need to get me one of those tear-away shirts for laneway just in case Chappelle Roan ever looks at me.

I need some kind of combination physiotherapist/psychologist, it turns out the lack of confidence with which I move through the world is genuinely damaging my body.

Back at work after three weeks off and I am Gandalf in the Mines of Moria the way I have no memory of this place.

12 month update on this: it doesn't work to only check the parts of the shower that previously had gecko, because gecko can come up with a new plan of hiding at the top of the shower curtain so gecko can fall from a height onto tits resulting in screaming, crying, screaming, naked running.

Getting a lot of ads for Christianity in the Heated Rivalry tag on tumblr, like even the gay app is like y'all need Jesus.

Day to myself and I could go and see any of the presumably exciting art around the Wellington region, but what I am doing is going back to the same Jason Greig show at The Dowse that I have already seen because it is so fucking good I am thinking about planning a heist.

Oh, my love, what terrible news. I am so sorry. You are the best family, I'm so glad that you had each other.

Lessons from my mid thirties: I have said the words "this new vaccum cleaner is the best thing that's ever happened to me" and honestly it's a hell of a lot healthier way to get dopamine than some of the shit I used to do.

Lessons from my mid thirties: it is possible to stay completely sober on news years eve and still feel hungover on January 1st, staying out until 12:30am just does that now.

Nailed it.

At midnight I kissed a beautiful dog on top of her beautiful head and now I am going to eat a bagel. Absolutely crushing 2026 so far.

News from the physiotherapist: when she says "have you tired butt stuff?" she means "have you tried excercises for these particular butt muscles as part of rehabbing your injury?" and not uh "have you tried butt stuff?"

Ran out of glad wrap for the leftovers so the red wine jus has gone into the fridge in a snaplock bag.

Feeling weirdly resistant to throwing away the piece of broken glass I just dug out of my foot, like I worked so hard for that you know?