boss set me up to be humiliated on a call so bad i’m windowshopping for full body chainmail and debating just quitting right now

documentary in which the Minions reenact their past atrocities in Indonesia.

(attached to a life support machine) please... i need 1 billion more dollers..

huge congratulations homie

Hey! Sorry I missed this. I bolted and went to seed

(sipping first cup of coffee, beautiful rainy day outside) its never been more over for me

congratulations homie. welcome to the winning team 🙏

me and the boys on the USS Abraham Lincoln eating boiled boot leather and sharing stories about the most Realistic Pussy we've ever seen

my argonian dealer: (slurring) this guy! this guy is crazy man! almost drowned himself exploring a sunken ship in an ebony breastplate. head to toe in the brick owens lmfao 😂 ayo harry was it worth it for the 8 gold

me, off 35 skooma: (staring at my hands) dude. i think the Nords control norway

Simon has left the band and whats worse Alvin said our band is called Alvin and the Chipmunk now. like im just a thing

mechanic just said “strategy game” and i’m sitting in the lobby staring at him like this

Heartwarming! Local Man Builds AI, Gives it the Ability to Feel Pain and Beat It Senselessly with a Cane ❤️

just watched a Type A guy use a rocking chair like he was trying to generate electricity with it

man about to lose his job at the camel spine destroying factory due to poor inventory management:

looks like that's the final straw huh

guy 1: funny, hardworking, strong support network

guy 2: tight pussy, HUGE tits aha

(cut back to guy 1)

guy 1: healthy diet, lot of leaves

guy 3: freak in the bed, you know what i’m saying? it’s a dealbreaker if she’s not !

(cut back to guy 1 again)

guy 1: 7 feet tall. bones on the outside,

one of those on the street interviews where an impossibly pretty woman is asking every guy “describe your dream woman”, and it’s becoming increasingly clear that one guy is describing a giant ant

people will call themselves empaths but refuse to offer the huntsman a bite

surgeon was rude as fuck, it’s like he didn’t even want a visit from the tickle monster

if you were the chatter who gave me a blowjob on the northernlion supercruise PLEASE dm me i think you took my wallet. it looks like an NES

alright man

goes to show you that culture war stuff is for the bored rich and genuine dullards

most people just want to be paid. really wish Dems saw this and ran with it

heartwarming video of astronaut Christina Koch greeting her dog for the first time after returning from space. the pup can be seen snarling, back arched, before scampering to its word buttons and pressing "IMPOSTOR" repeatedly, then "FALSE. SKIN. FALSE. SKIN." several times

fucked up and shaved off my beard, now i look like Grindset Humpty

accidentally overnight delivered Simulacra and Synthesis; the irony isn’t lost on me

i’m the machine i seek to destroy

thanks for reading

the dream itself also bothers me a lot because i’m clearly trying to make myself mad imagining an art exhibit so focused on centering yourself instead of the art

me not being able to see my reflection in any of the mirrors feels like i don’t even get a consolation prize. at least give me that

i haven’t talked about the mirror dreams much because it feels inconsequential

but there’s something about not being able to see myself in the mirror reflection that bothers me. i can see everyone else’s reflections but my face like can’t be conjured. what’s up with that?

she usually says it if i woke up, freaked out, then went back to sleep. it’s normal, it’s whatever

but recently i’ve had a recurring dream of
me going to a museum and every art installation is a mirror, and each placard says “You! You’re the Art!”

which weirdly has made me madder than the bugs

i have recurring dreams a lot. i think it’s a byproduct of OCD

my most common one is laying in bed, covered in bugs. there’s a running joke between me and my wife where i’ll wake up and be working, and she’ll say “the bugs are back”