hi, I'm the husband from 101 dalmatians. Oh, hi wife. Did I write any jingles whilst staying at home all day? haha, no, but here is a banger about how much of a cunt your boss is: you know, that woman who is our sole source of income. can we adopt a billion dogs??

It's good to know that robots will always be thwarted by their nemesis... stairs

Ovaries presupposes the existence of underies

He would have a great time with it

🧵
These stories really are coming thick and fast at the moment🙄

Guess what?

The Canadian school is NOT 'banning food at lunchtime' during Ramadan🤦‍♀️

Obviously...

And if you BELIEVED it to be true, then you need to ask why you would choose to believe such an obviously ludicrous headline?

1/20

We all know the zip code to Beverley Hills is 90210, but the zip code to Dawson's Creek is 90108 (for our lives to be over).

This local Wolfdog joined an Olympic ski event and triggered the finish-line camera. This is Nazgul. He snuck into a cross-country skiing sprint this morning and raced the homestretch with some competitors before being escorted home. 14/10 someone get him a medal

The Olympics curling cheating scandal memes are top notch 😂 #olympics #curling #canada #boopgate

Meant to say the accuser 🙈

If the accused stays, it might cement them as faithful to the other Faithfuls. But the Traitors will have it out for them. They are too much of a loose cannon to keep around

They had to do it early, otherwise we would have worked out who it was based on the lists for murder. Now we can get on with the Proper Traitors

Every year I go to the Fringe and every year I finish on Sam's show, because I know it will be brilliant. This one was his best yet

A woman (30s?) is looking down at a small human (5?) who is MOST unhappy.
Mum asks in a stern voice: "Do you need time out Eli?"
Small Human looks at her with heartfelt woe: "NO Mum! No! I just NEED a CHEESE TOASTIE!" (4)

Without downloading any new pics, describe your vibe for today using an image from your gallery

The BBC are accidentally running the subtitles to Mrs Marple over the Mercury Prize, and it’s rather wonderful. A few of lines could plausibly have been written by Jarvis.

🧵Spotted While Cafe Writing in Aotearoa New Zealand:

A man (60s?) carefully fixes a wobbly table before producing a newspaper and pen.
Moments later, his wife joins him.
Talking softly with heads bowed together as they do the crossword, laughing at each other's silly guesses. (1)

That's how I felt about The Wolf of Wall Street.
My colleagues all said it was amazing and made them what to do more drugs.
I spent 3 hours concerned about my coworkers

I know there was a lot of it out there. But whether it was how I used the app or what circles I stayed in, I managed to avoid it

I never saw anything hate-filled when I still used the Other Place. I only left because most people I followed stopped posting

Heard the news and immediately put on The First Wives Club

#RIPDianeKeaton

Oh, he looked great. I just think at funerals you should take extra care to avoid nip slips

Tom, that is too much cleavage for a funeral #CelebrityTraitors

Excited to know nothing about what is going on in the world for a few weeks because my mind only has space for #CelebrityTraitors chat

I didn't think I could love Nick Mohammed any more. But it turns out, I could and I do

Waiting for Eurostar and playing British or Parisian. It is pretty easy. The Parisians look chic and bored. The British have pints

Eeek!

Arrived in London to find my mother is staging a coup at her local croquet club

What movie do you consider "perfect"?

I bought so many Yorkies as a kid. They aren’t even good chocolate bars