Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

My sister bet me $15 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.

Why was the strawberry sad? Its parents were in a jam.

What do bees do after they are married? They go on a honeymoon.

How do you make Lady Gaga cry? Poker face.

Why was Pavlov's beard so soft? Because he conditioned it.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

Why did the knife dress up in a suit? Because it wanted to look sharp

Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction.

I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked. Then it just clicked.

A girl once asked me what my heart desired, apparently blood, oxygen and neural messages were all wrong answers

My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.

Someone asked me, what's the ninth letter of the alphabet? It was a complete guess, but I was right.

Where do rabbits go after they get married? On a bunny-moon.

I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people.

What do you call a pig with three eyes? Piiig

Two guys walked into a bar, the third one ducked.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet. We're a cover band.

What do you call a boy who stopped digging holes? Douglas.

Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!

What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep? A bah-humbug.

What did the ocean say to the beach? Thanks for all the sediment.

What do you call a troublesome Canadian high schooler? A poutine.

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic, they said: go ahead, knock yourself out.

Why are fish easy to weigh? Because they have their own scales.

Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.

A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks...... "Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?"

An apple a day keeps the bullies away. If you throw it hard enough.